


Under the Tunisian Moon

by endemictoearth



Series: Under the Tunisian Moon [1]
Category: My Mad Fat Diary
Genre: F/M, Summer Romance, Travel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-18
Updated: 2014-11-30
Packaged: 2018-04-08 08:56:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 37,915
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4298616
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/endemictoearth/pseuds/endemictoearth
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Rae travels with Karim to his family's hotel in Sousse, Tunisia, to work as a waitress while Karim and his family deal with his father's illness. While she's there, she meets someone on the beach one night . . .</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by an Anon prompt I got in my Tumblr inbox: Hi! are you taking prompts? How about some summer love story? Rae is going to Tunisia to help with Karim’s family hotel, Finn is a guest there. She hates going to the beach during the day (obviously) but she loves night walks. One day she meets Finn. Romance and smut all the way. What do you think? Thanks in advance! 
> 
> I’ve changed a few little things from the prompt, AND Rae and Finn don’t know each other yet. I have no idea how long this will be, because it took me a while to write the first chapter. I’m envisioning four parts, maybe? 
> 
> Thanks to the Anon who gave me this prompt!

Rae stepped off the plane and squinted into the blinding mid-day sun. She dragged the round wire-rimmed sunglasses perched on top of her head down to sit on the bridge of her nose and grimaced. Her mother was going to pay for this.

 _Six days earlier …_  

“I literally do not understand. I thought Karim moved to England to get away from Tunisia, but you’ve gone back three bloody times this year! And now you want ME to go?”

Linda placidly margarined her brown bread, set down the knife parallel to the side of the slice and looked up at Rae. “Yes, Rachel. Karim’s father isn’t well, and someone has to help out with the hotel. What are your plans if you stay here in Stamford? Sit holed up in your room listenin’ to Blurry Oasis?”

Rae brought her fingers up to her temples and breathed deeply through her nose. “First of all …” She started to correct her mother, but what would be the point? She just shook her head instead.

“At least this way, you’ll be earning a bit of money. And Tunisia is gorgeous, Rachel. The beaches, the palm trees, the buildings. It’s 30 bloody degrees every bloody day! I wish I could come with you! But, your sister … and I need to go back to the hospital by the end of July.” Linda took a bite of bread and set the slice back down on the plate. Rae knew this was a slimming technique, putting your food or fork down between each bite.

Rae had dodged previous trips to Tunisia: the first one was the impromptu marriage trip, and the other two were during the school year, and she’d stayed over at Chloe’s house. How did her mum think that beaches and sunshine were sufficient inducements? She was fair-skinned and more than fair-sized. She’d be chasing the shade all day.

“I don’t even know how to wait tables! Won’t everyone speak French or Arabic or summat?” 

“The people who visit the hotel are mostly English. Karim’s sister runs the hotel restaurant, and they can never keep enough English-speaking waitresses on hand. You’ll be doing Karim a favor, Rae.”

Rae crossed her arms and huffed. 

“And if you don’t go, I’ll make you get a job here AND force you to change every single nappy your sister produces. I’ll save them up for you, so they’re good and disgusting.” 

Rae rolled her eyes. “Fine! I’ll go!”

“Thank Christ for that!” Linda exclaimed. “Although, you’re probably the first teenage girl in history who had to be  _convinced_ to go to Mediterranean for the summer.” She stood up from the table and awkwardly caught Rae’s shoulders in a sort-of three-quarter hug, patting the outside of one of her shoulders. “And I’ll miss ya both, y’know? It’s goin’ to be bloody lonely ‘ere without the two o’ you gettin’ in me hair!”

Rae nodded, leaning into the hug. “I know, Mum.”

Linda returned to her seat for another up and back down again bite. “And it’s good that I trust ya to go, y’know? It was round about this time last year you were comin’ out of hospital.”

Right back to being annoyed. “Yeah,” she said, terse and tense. She was always exasperated by mentions of her hospital stay. It took her right back to her white cinder-block room, group sessions in the game room, and trying to get the independent station from Manchester to come in on the tinny radio in the lounge. It made her remember that she’d spun so far out of control that she couldn’t right herself on her own.

“Well, anyway.” Linda said, allowing herself another bite. “I’d wager you have a better time that you think.”

“Oh, yeah?” Rae asked, jutting her chin out. “How much?”

Linda pursed her lips and looked up in mock contemplation. “Mmmm, let’s say … a Walnut Whip?”

“I only want the Whip, but it’s a deal.” Rae flounced upstairs to start packing.

_Back to a tarmac in Tunisia …_

Rae and Karim were waiting for their bags to be unloaded from the plane. They had sat in comfortable silence on the journey. Rae had grudgingly grown fond of her step-father, though she still couldn’t understand what he saw in her mother. But now, Karim ventured a soft, “Thank you, Rachel.”

Rae turned to look at him through her dark lenses and nodded. “Don’t thank me yet. I could turn out to be the crappest waitress ever to … wait?” She smiled and Karim smiled back, shaking his head. “You will be … great.” Their smiles widened imperceptibly at the rhyme.

After a two-hour journey by bus that was equal parts jolting and sweltering, Rae and Karim dragged their luggage a half-mile to the Hotel Hammamet II. So named, apparently, because there was already a Hotel Hammamet. Rae had memorized the brochure Karim had given her. It was one of the smaller hotels on the beach, only about 60 rooms, with a restaurant, bar and pool. It was long and slender, and had a sliver of the beachfront, though they did have enough room to set up about a dozen beach umbrellas with chairs, which they rented to guests. It operated on economy and was almost always full in the summer because it arranged package deals for foreigners. It was nearby to the public beach, which Karim said many guest preferred.

Karim pushed through the revolving door into reception and Rae followed behind. She was just taking off her glasses when she heard several people exclaim in delight. Karim was soon surrounded by family, everyone embracing him and smiling. He greeted everyone, his mother, his sister and two nieces who were there waiting to see him, but soon turned to extend a hand in Rae’s direction. “Maman, this is Rachel.” Rae nodded at the older woman. She was tiny and wore a long caftan and a loose head scarf. She inclined her head and held Rae’s hand between her two small ones. Rae nodded, feeling unsure what to do. But Karim kept the introductions going.

“And you know of course my sister, Safira, and little Sarina and Kashira.” Rae hadn’t seen them since the wedding last year, but smiled in response. 

“Welcome, Rachel!” Safira gave Rae a quick hug. “We are so happy you could come along with Karim.”

“Thanks for havin’ me,” Rae murmured.

“Let us get you set up in a room. We can discuss what you will be doing later.” Safira nodded at Karim to get Rae’s bag, and asked, “Are you hungry? Need a drink?” 

Rae shook her head. “I’m fine.” 

They walked down the narrow corridor and Safira opened the next to the last door on the left. It was a small, clean room with white walls and a bright blue blanket on the single bed. There was a small desk and chair near the window, which was open to let in the breeze. Rae looked out and saw that her room faced the next hotel, which was a larger resort. If she leaned out the window, she could get a glimpse of sand and sea. She pulled her head back in and turned around to see Karim and his sister looking at her expectantly. She smiled and nodded. “Thanks, this is nice.”

The pair seemed to exhale with relief, which Rae wasn’t sure she liked. Was she that difficult? Or had her mum just put it into Karim’s head that she was a stroppy cow? 

Karim ventured, “Make self at home, yes?”

Rae nodded again. 

“We will come back later. Unpack, rest, okay?”

Rae held her hand in front of her in an awkward thumbs up. She really was fine, and was trying to convey it to Karim somehow. He nodded at her and they left, not before Safira placed the room key on the bed. 

Rae looked around the small room and admired its plainness. It was calming after a long day of travel. She sunk onto the bed, which seemed to be about as comfortable as her bed at home. She kicked off her Converse one by one and stretched her toes out. She looked at her suitcase, and knew she should deal with it, but decided to lie down for just a minute.

It was hot, but there was a breeze from the seafront that made it just bearable, and before she knew it, she was asleep.

_Two weeks later …_

Rae was settling into the routine of her job. She got up early to take coffee orders during the continental breakfast buffet. Safira taught her how to use the espresso machine to make cappuccinos. Britishers on holiday LOVED their cappuccinos for breakfast. She also kept the buffet stocked, refilling baskets of croissants, baskets of fruit, and pots of jam. Then she had an hour off before the lunch shift. Lunch wasn’t the most popular meal at the restaurant, so they often only needed one waitress. Rae quickly volunteered for it, as she wasn’t planning to head to the beach of an afternoon. 

The other waitress, an Australian girl called Pamela, was grateful. “The waves aren’t anything, but the water is so warm and lovely. If you ever want to go swimming, just let me know … I’ll swap with ya.”

Rae smiled and nodded, but knew she’d never want to. She preferred to cut out early from the dinner shift and walk along the beach as the sun started to set. The beach faced east, so you didn’t get that amazing rainbow tinted water, but you often saw the moon rising over it, which Rae preferred, anyway. 

Pamela was tanned with hair bleached blonde by the sun. She was tall and athletic, almost the same height as Rae. When they stood next to each other in the restaurant, watching over the tables as the restaurant slowly filled up, they looked almost like a photo and a negative. 

Rae discovered she was a good waitress. Her propensity to notice little details served her well, and her memory was excellent. Some people were amazed by how she could remember their orders from two nights ago. “Mr. Williams. You had the loup de mer last time; did you want to try something different tonight?”

Rae was starting to feel like a different person here. She wasn’t sure how she felt about that, but it was an interesting phenomenon. She wore a plain uniform during the day: white oxford shirt with black pants and apron. She felt exposed without her layers, but the apron helped to disguise her ample chest and smooth things out a bit. She had to pull her hair back when she was serving, too, so she didn’t have the curtain of her hair to hide behind, either. 

Outside of her shifts in the dining room, she didn’t talk to many people, either. Many of the tourists at the hotel spoke English, but didn’t talk to her outside of placing orders. The kitchen staff spoke French and Arabic, and she only had the most basic grasp of French. She felt awkward and inadequate, letting Karim or Safira translate anything beyond the basic stuff she picked up about meals. Amar and Nasim, the cook and sous chef, were too busy to talk when she came in to pick up food, and didn’t hang around after cleaning up to chat, either.

She wrote in her journal a lot, and since nothing much was happening, she started making up poems and stories, and drawing doodles of things she saw on the beach or when she ventured into town to buy batteries for her CD player. (She’d almost gone over the weight limit on luggage because of all the music she had to bring.)

Rae wasn’t as unhappy as she thought she’d be (there was 50p she’d never see again; and her mum would eat the walnut, too.) Part of her wondered if that wasn’t because her mum wasn’t there to complain to. It was fun to wind Linda up, but she didn’t want to act like a brat in front of Karim and his family. She ate an early supper with them between the end of the lunch and beginning of dinner, and they were all nice and kind, but his mother didn’t speak much English, and everyone was worried about Karim’s father, who was now in the hospital indefinitely. They never said what it was, but Rae guessed cancer. Karim and Safira took turns running the front desk and accompanying their mother to hospital, and Rae didn’t want to bother them. 

The days were hot, and there was no air conditioning. The restaurant had a wall of open windows, so they were shaded with a bit of a breeze, but with all the running around, Rae often felt like she was slowly melting like an ice lolly in the sun. 

It reminded her of the previous summer, which had gotten very hot by British standards. She’d just gotten out of hospital, and had fallen in with Chloe and her girlfriends. There was Stacey and Izzy and Lois and Amy and Vicky. Rae had started hanging out with them and going to parties. She’d find a corner somewhere, usually by the stereo. If there wasn’t someone designated to run the music, she’d take over, smiling to herself if a selection got a ‘Wahey!’ from someone in the crowd.

Sometimes Chloe called her on her disappearing act, chastised her for not joining in, for acting ‘weird’. But, truthfully, Chloe was too worried about her place in the group and if she was going to get a boyfriend to pay much attention to Rae. And that was the way Rae liked it. She’d avoided boys herself, though she found some attractive … it just seemed too risky, and she never thought any would be interested in her anyway. 

However, she met one Liam Owen at her first group session when college started, and was mesmerized by how similar to her, yet outgoing and brave he seemed. He swept her along with him until they were a pair. She never thought of them as a couple; they didn’t do couple-y things. But they were often to be found together, Rae trailing after him, or sitting together outside of college mocking people as they walked by. It wasn’t a healthy relationship, but it still took months of convincing from Kester, her mum, Chloe and Izzy, to convince her to break it off. She’d tried to be kind, saying they could still be friends. But Liam scoffed and said he’d only started hanging out with her because he thought she’d be keen to shag him and now that she had, he didn’t need to see her anymore. Which you’d think would make it easier to walk away, but in reality, it just made Rae paranoid that she was giving off desperate vibes to all men.

Happily, though the experience slowed her progress in therapy, it hadn’t unraveled all the work she’d done building her self-esteem up from the rubble. Her foundation took a hit, but she was still standing, still swinging, even. But it meant that she’d withdrawn just a bit more. She figured if could keep herself to herself here in Sousse, she could talk to people when she got back to Stamford in seven weeks. She likely wouldn’t come back, so why try to make friends?

_The next day …_

New guests tended to arrive on Saturdays. The restaurant almost always had a rush early Saturday, followed by a long lull, as everyone checked out and left for their flights from Tunis. Then, Saturday lunch was also usually very slow, as people didn’t check in until three or four p.m. 

Rae had been looking forward to taking her evening walk, but Pamela came back from the beach limping. “Hey, babe, you couldn’t cover me tonight, could you? I think I sprained my ruddy ankle. If I ice it and get some rest, I should be right as rain tomorrow.”

“Sure, no problem!” Rae sang out, her heart sinking a bit. It was going to be busy, since almost everyone ate at the hotel restaurant their first night, too tired from their journeys to venture out to another place. When Karim found out Rae would be on her own, he changed into a white shirt and apron to pitch in. 

“You don’t have to …”

He held up his hand to silence her. “No. I help.”

The dining room was lively, and the kitchen started to get behind. Karim was trying to placate an angry man with a Scouse accent. “It’s been nearly an hour, mate!” Karim tried to articulate his apology for the wait, but he was upset and his English always suffered when he was anxious. 

Rae set down the pitcher of water she’d been using to refill glasses around the dining room and walked over to the scene. Placing a reassuring hand on Karim’s forearm, she said, “I’m sorry, sir. We’re a little understaffed tonight. What was it you ordered?”

The man looked at his wife, and then back at Rae, barking, “We ordered the lamb. We didn’t think you were still RAISING them back there.” Rae smiled at his little joke, to placate him. “We’ll just check with the kitchen.” Rae subtly motioned for Karim to follow her. 

“That man is rude, Karim; I’m sorry.” 

“Is alright,” Karim said, head down.

“No, it’s NOT. He came to a foreign country and expected to be treated like he was at his chippy in Liverpool.” She checked the line to see if the man’s food was ready. It was five back in the queue. Rae sighed and said, “This pains me, but I’m gonna bring him out a plate of hummus, to smooth things over. Okay?” Karim nodded.

After that crisis had been averted, Rae was extra vigilant that nothing else go wrong the rest of the night, so when the last table finished, she felt like collapsing in a heap. But the breeze from the sea crept around the corner and seemed to tap her on the shoulder, beckoning her to come out to the beach. She pulled her apron off over her head, hanging it on a nail just inside the door to the kitchen. Then, she untucked her shirt and rubbed the base of her neck as she wandered out past the small pool, slipping her shoes off and leaving them on the tiles. Finally, she walked between the rows of closed up beach umbrellas, in lines like silent sentries, on her way to the water. It was quiet here, and Rae reached up to unclasp the clip that held her hair. She shook her head as she ran a hand through the hair, her scalp practically sighing in relief. 

If she could get away early, Rae often grabbed her Discman to have a soundtrack to her evening walk, but tonight, the breeze seemed to be singing a song of it’s own. The moon was nearly full and hovering just above the horizon. No one was around, and the drone of a melody hummed through her brain, and she found herself singing under her breath, that bit from [Nightswimming](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ahJ6Kh8klM4)that always got her: 

Nightswimming, 

remembering that night

September’s coming soon

I’m pining for the moon

And what if there were two

Side by side in orbit around the fairest sun?

The bright tide forever drawn 

Could not describe nightswimming

She tipped her head back and closed her eyes as she throatily sung the last of the lyric. When she opened her eyes, the landscape had an extra element: a boy, well, a young man, about her age. He had headphones on; his hands shoved deep into his pockets, shoulders hunched up. Rae held her breath, hoping he’d walk right on by, and praying he hadn’t heard her singing over whatever was on his CD player. She didn’t move a muscle, but just as she thought the coast was clear, his eyes flicked up to meet hers, and she got the impression that he’d been trying not to look at her. Like perhaps he’d seen her singing and didn’t want to embarrass her by acknowledging it. 

He was empirically fit: slightly shaggy brown hair swept in fringe over his forehead, average height, but with a lean sturdiness that was universally appealing. Rae felt her mouth twist, seemingly caught out. The young man held her gaze a moment, but then looked away. He stopped on the other side of her peripheral vision and turned to look at the water. Though his back was to her, she could see his fist was clenched. He didn’t have the demeanor of a carefree vacationer.

She’d been breathing in tiny sips, trying not to move, but now that he wasn’t facing her, she exhaled a sigh and drew in a big breath. She didn’t know what to do, whether to go back to her room and make up another story in her diary, or stay and enjoy the relative cool of the night, the sand a relief between her toes. Then, something in her felt a little brave. This was as much her beach as any tourist’s. She’d earned the right to relax after her shift. She slid her feet through the sand, getting closer to the water’s edge, then lowered herself to sit and stare up at the moon. 

It was late July; the moon was close and bright and she could see all those dark spots that she’d learned were called seas. She could only remember the Sea of Tranquility, though, and that’s what she wanted. To be tranquil. She’d almost forgotten the young man (not really, but she allowed her brain to float away, though it was still tethered to the fact that he was just a few yards away.) He hadn’t moved away, but he hadn’t moved back, either. 

Nightswimming still played on the radio of her mind, but she didn’t dare to hum again. 

She thought back to the only other beach she’d been to, which was the beach near Butlins in Skegness. It was an imposing stretch of brown sand, one that had seemed impossibly long to trudge across to the water, which was gray and cold and choppy. Here in Sousse, the beach was almost white and though it was long, it wasn’t very wide. Ten or twelve good strides from the pool would have you in the sea, which was clear and turquoise all at once. That short distance meant that if that boy were still in her peripheral vision (he was), he couldn’t be far away (he wasn’t). 

He’d drifted back and now Rae could see the outline of his profile, lit by the moon and the reflected light on the water, and it looked like he was biting his lower lip nervously. What could he have to be nervous about? Rae was a little jittery, but life made her nervous. She didn’t fear it as much as she once had, but she always felt a little watchful and wary, waiting for a bad hand to be dealt.

And then, he spoke. She didn’t know what she thought his voice would sound like, but it wasn’t with an accent that almost matched her own. “You sound better than Michael Stipe.”

She wasn’t sure she heard him correctly. But if she had, that meant that HE had heard HER … singing.  _Oh, fuck._

“What?” She said, more loudly than she’d meant.

“Just … never mind. I thought you …” he sighed and started to turn and walk away up the beach.

“No, I’m sorry! It’s just, I thought you had your headphones on. I hoped you had.”

The boy turned back. “My batteries ran out on the flight here. Don’t know why I thought they’d last, but now I’m stuck. My mum says she won’t buy me new ones, says the trip already cost her a packet. But I left the headphones on so I don’t have to talk to anyone … if I don’t want to, that is.” He smiled at this.

“Oh, well!” Rae said, gently mocking him. “I guess I should feel honored, eh? You deigned to speak to me!”

He shook his head, but she knew he knew she was joking. She wasn’t even embarrassed anymore. It was, like, here was this boy who sounded like her and used music to keep people at arm’s length … and knew a good R.E.M. song when he heard it. 

“I’m Rae, by the way … as in Rachel, before you ask. You can sit down, y’know … ?” The question mark after her words floated in mid-air and he supplied the answer to her unspoken query. 

“Finn.”

Rae smiled at the water. “Appropriate, this near the sea.”

“Oi!” he protested, flopping into the sand next to her. 

“Sorry, bad joke.” He now bit the inside of his lip, but didn’t seem too upset.

This felt like being a kid at a grown-up party, and finding the only other child your age. This instant-bonding over the littlest things. Rae knew he’d never talk to her if they were at one of those awful parties she’d been to last summer, but here they were, the last two Northern English teenagers alive in Tunisia after ten p.m. 

“When’d you arrive?” Rae asked, worried he’d say it was his last night before heading back to England. 

“This morning.” 

Rae turned her head away to hide her smile. “Oh, well, welcome to Tunisia!”

He chuckled. “Thanks. Doesn’t really seem to be my kind of place, but my mum wanted to take me on holiday with her and her … new friend. To get to know her.”

“You don’t know your mum?” Rae found herself asking.

“No—well, not really, actually, but my mum wanted me to get to know her friend, Sophia. They’re … my parents are divorced.”

“Oh,” Rae replied. Then, “OHHH!”

“Yeah.” Finn sighed. “Not that it’s a big deal, or anythin’. Me best friend’s gay, actually. It’s just … she’s me mum, and we have adjoinin’ rooms, and …”

“Yikes,” Rae said. “I feel your pain. My mum and Karim used to go at it like rabbits. Still would, if she were here, probably.”

Finn cocked his head. “You’re … wait, what are you doing here?”

“My step-dad’s father owns this place.” She gestured to the hotel behind with her thumb. “Inherited it from his brother a few years ago, I think? Anyway, Karim’s dad isn’t doing so well, so I agreed to come along to waitress and help out.”

“Why didn’t your mum come?”

“Because she is taking care of my baby sister. My  _literal_  baby sister. She’s about seven months old, I guess?”

“Wow, that’s … huh.”

“Yeah, pretty much. It’s been a wild ride since Mum picked me up from the—“  _Careful, Rae._  She coughed, “Anyway, the first time I met Karim, he was in the boot of Mum’s car. Hiding from immigration.” She shook her head. 

“And here I thought my family was filled with drama.” Finn smiled at her, fully. She smiled back, not turning her head to hide.

Then, they shared a long moment of silence, both staring out at the water. “This is my favorite part of the day,” Rae sighed. “Everyone from the hotel is off at night clubs or hookah bars, or even just sleeping, and the beach is so quiet and calm.”

Finn nodded. “I can see why you like it.” He cleared his throat and continued. “And why it inspired your … performance.”

“My what?”

“Your … y’know … Nightswimming,” Finn explained.

“Oh. Yeah.” Rae blushed and hoped the dark wouldn’t betray her. Then, to change the subject, she asked, “Out of batteries, huh?”

Finn’s face grew sorrowful as he nodded.

“Hang on; I’ll be right back.” Rae hopped up as gracefully as she could and walked back to the hotel, turning back to hold up her forefinger, signaling she’d just be a minute.

In a moment, she was back with a pack of four AA batteries. “Here ya go,” she said, magnanimously. 

“What’s this? I can’t take your batteries!” Finn tried to protest.

“I’ve got loads; it’s the only thing I spend my wages on,” she explained. 

“Well, thanks. I’ll pay you back … somehow.”

“No worries. Maybe you’ll wander this way again before you leave.”

“I will definitely wander this way—I’m actually staying next door, at La Mer.”

Rae felt her lips purse as her eyebrows raised. That was very interesting indeed. “Oh, well, yeah. Not far to travel.”

Finn hesitated, sort of leaned toward her without actually looking at her, then stepped back. “I probably should get back. What time do you get off work?” He looked up through his lashes.

“Ummm, well, I do breakfast and lunch, then have a break before dinner, and if Pamela’s ankle is better, I should be able to duck out early. Maybe nine-thirty?” Finn nodded, but didn’t say anything, so Rae cleared her throat before asking, “Why?” a bit too defensively.

“Just wondering when I should start wandering,” Finn murmured poetically, before starting back to his hotel. Over his shoulder, he asked, “See you tomorrow?”

Rae shrugged nonchalantly. “Yeah, I guess.” 

She watched his figure retreat, then looked up at the moon again. “What was  _that_?” she asked the night sky. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fair warning, this chapter is a little more interpersonal than travel/destination, but I plan much more of that for the next chapter … so watch this space! I hope you’ll like what I’ve written, anyway.

Rae had smiled all the way back to her room, smiled as she dressed for bed, and around her toothbrush as she cleaned her teeth over the tiny sink in her bathroom. She was still smiling as she settled herself against the mattress and pulled the thin blanket to cover her. The moonlight shone in and made a glowing parallelogram on the white tile floor. She turned on her side, and just as she started to fall asleep, doubt crept in at the back of her mind.

_“He won’t come back, you know. He just said that to be nice.”_

“So? And, anyway, how do you know? He said he would.”

Now she was having a dialogue with herself. Wonderful. Where was Kester when she needed him?

_“Boys like that don’t talk to girls like you. He’s just lonely. It’s his first night in a strange place. He’ll meet someone more interesting and beautiful tomorrow.”_

“Well, so what if he does? Tonight was nice, and even if he doesn’t come back, he talked to me tonight.”

_“Do you even realize how pathetic you sound?”_

“Shut up!” she thought to herself, grabbing her headphones and pressing play on her Discman to drown out her thoughts with the sound of Eels.

_The next morning …_

Breakfast shift was busy, and when it was over, Rae said to Pamela, “You should rest your ankle so you can work dinner tonight.”

“It’s really not that bad,” Pamela said, looking out toward the sea.

“Pa-me-LAR, don’t even think about swimming today.”

She sighed, “Fine. I’ll put my feet up for a bit.”

Rae smiled, rolling cutlery into cloth napkins. “Good. Then maybe I can get away a little early tonight … if it’s not too busy, that is.”

“Was last night slammed?” Pamela asked, a wince on her face.

“Weelllll …” Rae smiled as Pamela’s wince intensified. “It wasn’t that bad. Karim pitched in, and we only had one notable arsehole.”

She relaxed her face and sighed. “Still, you were pretty late coming up.”

Rae sat up straighter, “How’d you know that?”

“My room is next to yours, and it’s not as if the walls are soundproof. I heard you brushing your teeth.”

“Oh. Well. I just went out to walk along the shore. It’s nice at night.” She piled all the rolled napkins together on the counter and said, “I’ll probably take another walk tonight.”

Pamela hummed. “You do surprise me!” she said, in a mocking tone that meant she wasn’t in the least.

“Away wi’ ya; rest that ankle!” Rae snapped a napkin at her and Pamela headed off.

Rae took the opportunity to grab a croissant and make herself a cappuccino, and enjoy a bit of a breather before lunch. Karim stuck his head around the kitchen door. “Good morning, Rachel!”

“Mornin’,” Rae mumbled through a mouthful of pastry. Karim had seen her eat; it was hard to live with someone and never eat in front of them, so she didn’t feel embarrassed.

“All is well?” Karim was sweet to check in on her.

“Yeah,” Rae said, swallowing her bite, smile still wide; she couldn’t shake it, even after her conversation with herself last night.

“Good. You seem happy today. Glad to see … having fun.”

Rae let the smile melt off her face to ask, “How’s your father, Karim?”

Karim took a breath, and Rae got the sense he didn’t have the words for what was happening. “He … he is trying. Trying to stay.”

Rae nodded. She didn’t know firsthand what it was like to lose someone in this way, but she could imagine. “If there’s anything else I can do, let me know.”

It was Karim’s turn to nod. His smile was tinged with sadness. He simply said, “You are … you already do it.”

* * * * *

At nine-thirty that night, there were only four tables left. The restaurant closed at ten, so it was unlikely they’d get another rush. Rae raised her eyebrows at Pamela, who was refilling water glasses across the dining room. Pamela nodded with a smile, and Rae mouthed her thanks as she ducked into the restroom to see how she looked.

She ran her pinkies under each eye, as her mascara had melted a little. She pulled her hair clip out and shook her head, letting her long hair loose. It was one of the few things she always felt confident about, physically. She pulled a tube of lipgloss out of her pocket and applied a coat to her lips. Then, she shrugged, telling herself that he probably wouldn’t be there and not to get her hopes up.

She ditched her apron in the kitchen and slipped her shoes off by the pool, leaving bits of herself on the way the to beach.

She looked down to roll up one of her sleeves, and didn’t see Finn standing right in front of her. She walked right into him, and gasped an apology as he put one hand on her arm and the other on her waist to steady her.

“No, I’m sorry,” he said. “Didn’t mean to scare ya.”

Rae jumped back from his touch, smoothed the front of her shirt, and flipped her hair over her shoulder. Finally, she glanced up at his face, to find him looking at her with concern.

“Hi,” he said, softly. Rae nodded, afraid to speak. She really didn’t think he would come. “Thought you’d be expectin’ me. I said I’d wander over.” He grinned widely, trying to get her to do the same. She obliged him with a lop-sided smile.

“Well, it’s your holiday, and I know how plans can change. It was your first day; you might’ve gotten a better offer. There’re plenty of cooler ways to spend an evening, I’m sure.”

Finn’s grin faded a bit. “No, no better offers.” He scoffed. “I tried to go to the pool this afternoon, and these girls kept pestering me. Luckily, I could drown them out with Oasis. Thanks to you, that is.”

Rae imagined a gaggle of girls with perfect bodies in barely-there bikinis flocked around a shirtless Finn. She sighed at the thought, and managed a mournful, “Glad I could help,” before sinking into the sand.

Finn sat next to her. “Rough day?”

“Hmmm? Oh … not too bad. I guess it’s just a lot of days in a row.”

“Don’t you get a break? Or a day off?”

“Yeah, I usually take Monday off, and Pamela takes Wednesday. I work lunch alone, and she covers the end of dinner. I mean, there’s a couple of hours between meals …”

Finn nodded. “You work every lunch?” he asked, his voice quiet.

“I have been, yeah. I’m not much for swimming, and Pamela is part mermaid, I’m convinced.”

Finn smiled, but didn’t seem pleased. “Oh.”

“Why?” Rae asked.

“Nothin’, just thought if you were free during the day, maybe we could … hang out.”

Rae felt her face scrunch in confusion. “Ummm, well …” Did she want him seeing her during the day? There was something kind of magical about meeting in the moonlight. There was no surer way to break a spell like this than have him see her in the harsh light of day.

“No, don’t worry about it. My mum probably has a bunch of stuff she wants us to see and do. I just …” Finn looked at his hands, like he had his next line written there.

“Oasis, huh?” Rae thought she’d change the subject and save him.

Finn looked up, surprised. “Yeah, of course Oasis.”

“Which one?”

“Well, both . . all, but I was listening to Definitely Maybe.”

“I prefer Morning Glory, but both are good.”

Finn scoffed again.

“Okay, both are great.” She smiled.

Finn glanced at her out of the corner of his eye. “Why do you think Morning Glory is better?”

Rae bit her lip and thought for a second. Usually, her mouth would just run away without her thinking about it on the topic of music, but she didn’t want to talk “more random than duck shite” as her mother so maddeningly put it. “I like the songs a little better; it seems … maybe … just a little more … together? I think second albums are generally just a little better than first ones.”

Finn didn’t wait a second before firing back, “Bollocks! Your first album has all your passion in it! You’ve been writing songs for years, you’ve lived ‘em, y’know?”

Rae cut him off. “See, that’s why I think second albums are sometimes better. Not that you don’t want passion, but first albums are like … you have songs you wrote when you were sixteen on it, and if you don’t get signed until you’re, like, twenty-four, does it really represent you anymore? A second album is what you’ve been meaning to say behind your songs for years, and now you get to say it. Y’know?”

Finn sat back in the sand and leaned forward all at the same time, like he didn’t know which way to go. “Well …” he drawled. “That’s a fair point.”

Rae tucked a piece of loose hair behind her ear. “Well, I mean, Definitely Maybe has some great songs on it …” She tried to backpedal a bit, remembering Chloe’s advice about not trying to be better than boys, if you wanted them to like you. And, for some reason, she really wanted Finn to like her.

“Yeah,” Finn nodded. “It does.” He doodled in the loose sand, drawing shapes. “Guess I’ll just have to listen to ‘em both again to compare. Only …”

“Only … ?” Rae echoed.

“I forgot Morning Glory at home. When I was packing my CDs, I didn’t check every case and that one had another disc in it.” He picked up a fistful of sand and tossed it towards the gently lapping waves. “So I’ll have to wait till I get home.”

“Or …” Rae started.

“Or …?” Finn echoed.

“Well, I brought as many CDs as I could. And of course that was one of the first ones in my suitcase. I could go get it for ya.” She stood up. “I’ll be back in a minute.”

“Wait!” Finn called before she’d gotten to the pool. He stood up and jogged after her. When he’d caught up a moment later, he cleared his throat before stuttering “Why don’t … could I … could we …”

Rae stared blankly at him. She couldn’t imagine what he was trying to say.

“Could we … listen together?”

Rae was confused. “What, now?”

“Well, yeah. I mean, if you want.” Finn looked down as he ran a hand through his hair.

Rae’s mind was screaming “Yeah! Fuck yeah! A thousand fucks yeah!” but she just stood there, flummoxed. “Uhhh, sure, I guess. Do you—should I …”

“Is it okay if I walk with you to get it?” Finn asked. “I-I’ll stay in the hall, if you want. Just … don’t want a creep on the beach by myself.” He laughed.

“Oh, what, like I’ve been every night since I got here?” Rae shot back.

“No-no-no!” Finn should take up the unicycle; he was really good at backpedalling. “I jus’ meant … it’s creepy if a guy is alone on a beach at night. Like, if it’s a girl, it’s …”

“What?” Rae asked, genuinely curious.

“I dunno … romantic, maybe?” Finn looked embarrassed, and Rae decided to take pity on the poor bloke.

She sighed dramatically, to hide how thrilled she was. “Come on then, creep. We’ll be creeps together as we QUIETLY creep down the hall, okay?”

Finn nodded and followed her.

Rae stopped outside the open archway from the pool, and put her hand out to indicate Finn should stop while she checked the coast was clear. He walked right into her, his chest colliding with her palm. She turned around, then pulled her hand away quick, trying not dwell on the solid warmth she’d just felt, then waved him after her. She deftly avoided the dining room and reception. At the end of the hall, she pulled out her key, opening the door as quietly as she could.

Stepping inside her room, she realized all her CDs were in the bottom drawer of her bureau, so she stuck her head out and whispered, “If you think you’d be a creep alone on the beach, you’ll REALLY look like a lech hangin’ around outside a strange girl’s hotel room.” Finn slipped into her room; Rae shut the door after him with a soft click. She flicked on the light next to her bed and stooped down to flip through her CD cases.

When she looked up, holding the case in question, she saw Finn staring at her with a look of … something.

“What?” she whispered. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothin’,” he quickly shook his head.

Rae felt paranoia rising within her. The room was dim, even with the lamp on, she didn’t think she could look that bad, but what if he just realized he’d made a mistake in coming here? It was his idea, but … Her mind whirred, but all she did was shrug and say, “Whatever,” defensiveness dripping from every syllable.

Finn seemed to sense the shift in her, and quickly tried to explain, “No, honest! I just … when you looked up … I feel like … I think maybe I know you.”

“Well, yeah. We met last night.” Rae rolled her eyes.

“No, I mean … I’ve seen you before last night.” He took a breath and asked, “Where are you from?”

They’d discussed families, but not where they lived, and his accent was a ringer for hers, so … “Stamford. Why?”

Finn smiled before she asked her question, like he had been hoping that would be her reply. “Me, too.”

Rae was flooded with conflicting emotions, but her dread outweighed any pleasantness in finding a fellow Lincolnshire resident staying next door. If he knew her, did he know ABOUT her? How did he know her, but she didn’t know him? Why was he smiling?

“Well, I don’t remember you. Sorry.” She set the CD on the edge of her bed and crossed her arms over her chest. “You can borrow that, just bring it back before you leave.”

Finn furrowed his brow. “What? But, I thought we were gonna … look, I’m sorry if I startled ya.”

“How?” Rae asked, abruptly.

“What?”

“How d’ya know me?”

Finn scratched the back of his neck. “Well, that’s probably not the right word. Like I said, I’ve seen ya. At a couple o’ parties. You were always over by the music; I thought you were a DJ the first time.”

Rae relaxed a fraction, letting one arm drop to her side. “Oh.”

“Yeah, it weren’t until you were leaning over all those CDs that it hit me. You seemed really familiar last night, too, but I thought it were just your voice and …” He shrugged, not finishing his thought.

“Oh,” she said again.

“I didn’t go back to college this past year; got a job wi’ me uncle in Leeds instead. Guess you were a first year?”

“Uh, yeah.” Her eyebrows knit themselves together and she asked, “So, you live in Leeds now?”

Finn nodded. “Yeah, basically. Still … small fuckin’ world, eh?”

Rae nodded, too. “Yeah. It’s … really fuckin’ small.” She sat on the edge of her bed.

Finn shifted his weight and remained standing. “Should I … ?” He hitched a thumb at the door.

Rae shook her head. “Nah. Have a seat. We were gonna listen together, right?”

Finn nodded and gingerly lowered himself next to her, like if he made a sudden movement she would change her mind. And the truth was, she might still.

She stood up and Finn’s eyes followed her, bewildered.

“Just …” She stepped to his other side and leaned across the bed to get her Discman. “ … had to get this.” She sat back down, now on his left side. She saw that the CD was still on the edge of the bed, on the opposite side of Finn. Her hand instinctively reached out, but she stopped herself from leaning all the way over to grab it. “Could you … ?”

Finn nodded and handed it to her. Once the disc was in place and the cover shut, Rae picked up her foam headphones and then sighed. “Well, how’s this gonna work?” she chuckled in frustration. Finn put his hand in his jacket pocket and Rae heard the almost imperceptible click of a headphone cord disconnecting. When his hand reappeared, his headphones had independent earbuds. Finn cleared his throat. “We, uh, could use these.”

Rae smiled and finally looked up at Finn. He was being so careful with her, and she didn’t know why. Liam hadn’t been careful. Those twats in the street … those tossers at school … her supposed friends in their after-school bitch sessions … that wanker in Uffington that one night … NO ONE had ever been so careful with her. She didn’t want to let that carefulness evaporate because she hadn’t acknowledged it. So, she nodded, unplugged her own headphones, and offered the Discman to Finn to plug his in. He popped one in to his left ear, and held the other out to Rae, who rested it in her right. And, then, she pressed play.

_Twelve tracks played …_

It had been a strange fifty minutes. That first song, with it’s fake-out acoustic opening, if they’d been listening on their own, neither would have been startled when the electric guitars came in, but this time, they weren’t only focused on the music, and flinched in tandem. Rae was hyper-aware of this strange boy inches away from her, and he seemed just as tuned in to the situation or … something.

After the second song, Rae got tired of perching on the edge of the bed and leaned back to lie across the short width of the bed. She also figured if she was lying down, she could just look at the ceiling, instead of not knowing where to aim her gaze. Finn glanced over, but didn’t join her. She looked pointedly at the space next to her and gestured with her shoulder. He leaned back so carefully, she barely felt the bed move.

She clasped her hands across her stomach, but that started to feel weird after a few more songs, so she let them fall to the bed, and her right pinky grazed something on the way down. It was resting against … Finn’s hand. She started to pull hers away, instinctively, but Finn reached up to clasp it, and her heart dipped. She couldn’t look at him, but the fact that she hadn’t yanked her hand away must have given her away. Just then Cast No Shadow started and she wondered if Finn was trying to understand why he wanted to hold her hand in his.

It felt absurd. What were they doing? Why were they doing it? But … she didn’t want to be anywhere else with anyone else doing anything else. For once, though she doubted the situation, she didn’t doubt herself.

A smile played on her lips, almost a smirk, and she shut her eyes, as if that would stop Finn from seeing it. Like she was a baby who didn’t understand object permanence. She was vaguely aware there were only three songs left, when Cast No Shadow finished. Well, three and that 40 seconds of static and waves. She didn’t know what would happen when the album was over. She didn’t ever want it to be over.

She felt electric during She’s Electric, and she didn’t want a little time to wake up from this dream during Morning Glory, and before they knew it, it was Champagne Supernova, which was mercifully long, but they both knew this album so well, they knew that once the drumming started and the guitar chord faded out … it was over.

It was like waking from a dream. She’d been so aware, yet afraid to notice anything. Finn’s hand was still wrapped around hers and he gave it a little squeeze. Neither of them sat up, just laid there, awkward, with their feet on the floor, heads grazing the window sill, for a long moment. Then Rae chanced a glance and saw Finn was doing the same. She gave him a tight smile and started to sit up; their hands broke apart. Finn followed suit, and smoothed the hair at the back of his head before taking out his earbud.

Rae took hers out, too, and handed it back to Finn. Neither of them spoke, not knowing what to say. But they’d have to say something eventually.

When they did, it was at the same time: “Did you—“ “Well, I guess—“ then simultaneous, “No, you—“ followed by nervous laughter.

Rae put her finger up to her lips, shushing them both. “Come on,” she whispered, “let’s go back out.” Finn nodded, wound up his headphone cord and put it in his pocket. Rae closed the door behind her and slipped her key in hers. They slunk out the way they came in.

“You didn’t have to … see me out,” Finn said.

“I didn’t, but I left my shoes out here, anyway.” Rae gave him a cheeky grin. “Anyway, what were you gonna say … back there?”

“Just … I guess I can see your point. I’ll concede both albums are mint, but mayyybe …” he trailed off and Rae jokingly sang “you’re gonna be the one that saaaaves meeeee?” into the silence.

Finn looked up, startled.

Rae shook her head. “Don’t worry, I’m only messin’.” So, they weren’t going to talk about the hand-holding thing. That was fine.

“Sorry about … back there, y’know. It were … I should’ve asked before I …” He lifted his hand away from his leg and awkwardly twitched his fingers.

Or maybe they WERE going to talk about it. “Oh, um, that’s okay. It was … unexpected. But nice.” What was happening? Who did she think she WAS? She felt like a different person even to the different person she’d felt like last week. She couldn’t keep herself straight anymore.

Although … Finn didn’t seem to mind who she was at the moment, as he broke into a smile. “It was,” he agreed. And then waited. What was he waiting for?

“So, tomorrow’s Monday,” he said, matter-of-factly.

“Uh-huh,” Rae figured she’d go into town, buy some more batteries, maybe draw some in her diary.

“You said that’s your day off?” he asked, cautiously.

He remembered. “Um, yeah.”

“Well, if you’re not doin’ anythin’ else … do ya maybe want to … do somethin’ with me?”

Rae blinked into the dark. “Why?” she asked before the new Rae could stop her.

“Jus’ … I thought … we get on pretty well, an’ my mum seems fine to spend time with Sophia on their own. I don’t think she’ll mind … and, I want to!” He finished strong. He’d asked her because he wanted to. She couldn’t figure out what his angle was, so maybe he really didn’t have one. After weighing her options, she realized there wasn’t really an option.

“Okay, then, Finn. It’s a …” It probably wasn’t a date.

“… date. It’s a date.” Finn said emphatically. “What time do you want to meet?”

_Anytime_ , Rae thought. “Ten-ish?” she ventured out loud.

“Ten a.m., okay. Where?”

“Out front?” she suggested. “Between your hotel and mine?”

He nodded. “I’ll be there.” Then, before she knew what was happening, he darted forward to kiss her on the cheek. Just as quickly, he darted back and as he jogged towards his hotel, he tossed a “See you then!” over his shoulder.

Rae looked around the beach, then up at the moon, which had shrunk a fraction, waning gibbous. She still didn’t understand what was happening, but she wasn’t going to jinx it by asking too many questions, even of the moon.

At least, not just now.

Finn was gone out of sight, so she let the grin she’d been holding in bloom across her face. Then, she rolled up her pant legs and walked to the water’s edge, letting the gentle waves lap over her feet. The sensation seemed to ground her, connect her with reality. The last two hours didn’t seem real, but they must have happened.

When she got back to her room, she put her headphones on immediately, not giving herself a chance to get nervous about the next day. And she didn’t take Morning Glory out of her CD player; she started it over from the beginning.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I did a modicum of research for this chapter so it wouldn't be completely wrong and ridiculous. Still, if anyone reads this and sees I got something wrong, let me know!

_He lives in Leeds. He lives in Leeds. It’s fine. You’ll hang out with him for a few days and, then, before he wises up or gets bored, he’ll be gone. It’ll be a nice diversion._

Rae exhaled, closing her eyes. When they opened again, her hand sprang up to touch the spot on her cheek that he had kissed last night. It happened so fast, she stood stunned as he jogged away. She didn’t know what to make of that. She didn’t really know him; maybe he did that with everyone. Maybe he was really friendly and she was misinterpreting things? But he  _had_  said that he liked the headphones because he could choose who he wanted to talk to.  _Oh bollocks._

Rae shook her head in an attempt to shut her brain up for a second. The biggest problem facing her at half-eight on her day off was what the hell to wear. He had seen her twice in her waiting-tables-wear, which she liked for the outfit’s simplicity. But she couldn’t very well wear that today. It was a lot of pressure, trying to pick something that said something she wanted to say about herself. Because clothes mattered. As much as she hated that fact, people judge you on what you wear, even if they’ve met you before. 

At this precise moment, she wished she hadn’t used so much room in her suitcase for CDs, and left a little more room for her wardrobe. It was hot in Tunisia, and Rae hadn’t exactly packed for the weather. She’d packed for what she felt comfortable showing other people, which wasn’t much. 

She looked at the handful of t-shirts spread across her bed. Two of the five had guitars on them. She didn’t want to scream, “Did I mention I like music? Huh? Did I? ‘Cause I really really do!” And the rest just seemed … not right. She sighed, walked back to her wardrobe, and then spied her starry night dress. It was like a big t-shirt, black cotton with a graphic of the constellations on it, and had long sleeves, which meant she wouldn’t have to layer anything under it. She grabbed it off the hanger and yanked a pair of black leggings out of her second drawer.  _Hmmm,_  she thought,  _that’s a lot of black._  She chose her red Converse to break up the look.

Then, she sat on the edge of the bed and counted, breathing deeply once again. There wasn’t anyone here to talk to about this, which she couldn’t work of if that was good or bad. She tried to imagine what Chloe would tell her to do, “Laugh at his jokes, babe, even if they’re not funny.” That wasn’t going to work; Rae was famously terrible at faking amusement. 

What would her mum have to say on the subject? “Be careful. Most boys are only after one thing.” Rae scoffed to herself.  _With me? Not bloody likely_.

Then it occurred to her, there  _was_  someone she could ask. She finished getting dressed quickly, fixed her face, and hastened to the dining room.

She found Pamela leaning against the wall next to the breakfast buffet, scanning for anyone who needed a coffee or water. When she saw Rae, she pushed herself up to stand and smiled. “Hey, Rae, you’re up early … after another late night.” 

Rae felt herself flush and said, “What do you know about it?”

Pamela shook her head, “Nothin’ much. Just saw you walking a young man back to the beach.” She whispered the last part with a pair of raised eyebrows.

Rae silently cursed. “Yeah, we were just listening to music.”

“Hey, I don’t judge. You know I’ve pulled a couple of tourists … good for you!”

“No, that’s not—listen. I wanted to get your opinion. Is this … alright?” Rae waved her hand along her side to indicate her outfit. 

“For what? A funeral?” Pamela snorted, pleased with her own joke.

Rae’s mouth twisted and she turned to leave. “You know what? Forget it.”

Pamela jumped forward to put her hand on Rae’s arm. “No, wait, I’m sorry. Sorry, Rae.”

Rae stopped and swiveled back a half turn to peer at Pamela out of the corner of her eye.

“I actually quite like your … dress? I mean, stars are cool.” Pamela looked at Rae with an expression that seemed to plead forgiveness. “Are you meeting Mr. Moonlight?” she surmised.

Rae furrowed her brow. “Why’d you call him that?”

Pamela shrugged. “Sorry, I didn’t get a good look at him, just saw his outline in the, y’know, moonlight.”

“Oh. Well, yeah. We’re goin’ … I don’t know where we’re goin’. Oh, shit. I was supposed to figure that out.” Rae moved to grab a pastry from the buffet and then stepped around the corner to make herself some coffee.

Pamela glanced back at the dining room; all seemed well. She followed Rae around the corner and said, “Go to the Ribat.” 

“Huh?” Rae asked.

“That big tower near the market? It’s only a few dinars to get in and you’ll see a great view from the top.”

Rae nodded slowly. “Okay, thanks. That’s a good idea.”

Pamela smiled. “I’d better get back out there. Have fun today … I want details.” She turned and slipped around the corner and Rae was left alone with her coffee and nerves. The one probably wouldn’t help the other, but she’d not been able to fall asleep to Oasis; she listened to all of Morning Glory, remembering the feel of Finn’s presence next to her and how he’d held her hand and that kiss on the cheek and he said today was a date. She bit her lip and held her breath, trying not to explode from the WHY ON EARTH? of it all. 

She finished breakfast and went back to her room to brush her teeth and inspect herself as close as she could stand one more time. She wasn’t magically going to lose four stone or shrink three inches, so she probably looked as good as was possible. She grabbed her bag, made sure she had her diary, pen, wallet, her room key, and a scarf (just in case they wanted to go into any mosques) and headed out. 

On her way, she grabbed a paperback book and shoved it on top of everything. Just in case he didn’t show up. Kester would say it was a by-product of being abandoned by her father at an early age, this assumption that no one would follow-through with plans with her, but she couldn’t help it. 

She crossed the lobby to the front door, Karim smiled at her from reception. “Morning, Rachel! Off to see Sousse today?” 

Rae stopped to nod, and walked over to the counter. Should she tell him she might be seeing Sousse with Finn? She decided to bite her tongue and simply smiled in the affirmative. 

“That is good. Be careful at the Medina, though. Sometimes the vendors … they are too strong. And watch your bag.” He gave her a stern look, though it was softened at the edges. He was only warning her because he cared. 

Rae smiled. “I’ll be careful, thanks!” She leaned over the high desk and kissed Karim on the cheek. “Bye!” she trilled as she headed out. Karim laughed, happy to see her happy.

* * * * *

Outside, the sun had already climbed high in the sky. Rae put her sunglasses on and adjusted her bag on her shoulder before scanning the street for Finn. She tried to look calm, cool, collected, like she met up with fit boys every other day, like it was totally not a big deal. Her eyes were still adjusting to the bright light when she heard, “Rae! Hi!” She brought a hand up to shade her eyes and saw Finn loping over to her. He was actually jogging to meet her. It was like he couldn’t wait to see her or something. 

Rae chewed the inside of her lip and waved. “Hey, Finn. Sorry, didn’t see you at first; it’s just so bright out here.”

He smiled broadly and greeted her with a quick peck on the cheek, like the one he’d left her with last night. He scanned her from head to toe, and she thought his eyes might just have lingered a bit at her chest, but he could just have been looking at the map of the heavens on her dress. “So, where’re we goin’?”

Rae covered her sly smile with her fist as she cleared her already clear throat. “Wellll, I’ve been reliably informed we should go to the Ribat. It’s by the market, so we can check that out after.”

Finn nodded expectantly, as if he were waiting for the rest of the day’s plans. Rae couldn’t quite convince herself that he wanted to spend the whole day with her … it just seemed so unlikely, so she shrugged and said, “And then … I grabbed a map from the front desk; we’ll … play the rest by ear.”

“Sounds good.” He swept an arm out in front of him. “Lead the way.”

They wound their way through the streets. Rae had memorized her way to the market, and noted that the Ribat was just behind. It wasn’t hard to miss, the tower visible from most of the city. Rae also noticed that they hadn’t said much. Every time she glanced over at Finn, she found him looking at her already, and she couldn’t handle looking at him looking at her, so she’d smile and look ahead, like she was intent on navigating them. Then, she broke the silence. “So, what’s your mum up to today? Was she upset you didn’t stay with her and … is it Sophie?”

Finn twisted his mouth. “Sophia. They’re off somewhere today. When I said I had plans, she seemed almost relieved. Yesterday, we all hung out by the pool, but they went up to their room after an hour and I was kind of afraid to go to mine, and disturb their … whatever. Think I got a little sunburnt.”

Rae made herself look at him. “Oh, yeah. In the light of day, you do look a little pink. You really need to make the shade your friend.” Then, as if possessed by a much more confident person, she reached out to gently tap him on the nose. “Those freckles are coming up nicely though.” 

“Oi!” Finn’s hand shot up to grab hers as she was pulling it away. 

“What?” She grinned as she wrenched her hand away and playfully darted ahead of him down the street. “They’re cute, that’s all.”

Finn seemed to flush a shade redder at her words. “Whatever,” he mumbled, though his tone seemed pleased. He lengthened his stride to catch up with her, falling into step when he did. Rae pretended to look at a hand-woven rug stall so he wouldn’t see her smile.

* * * * *

One conundrum you face after having been bullied, your confidence beaten down for years, is that you can’t let yourself trust situations. You can’t relax and enjoy yourself, because when you have in the past, that’s when they got you. Just when you feel accepted or comfortable, the rug is pulled out from under you and you’re left lying on the hard, unforgiving floor, wondering what happened and how you could have been so stupid.

But, sometimes … sometimes, despite your tragic little history, you find yourself having fun and being swept along and you can’t help but let the ball of tension you always have tightly wound and nestled in your gut unravel a little. You find yourself standing up straighter and laughing louder and allowing yourself to forget those past transgressions. 

* * * * *

Rae and Finn climbed to the top of the Ribat. It was a slog. Rae figured Finn probably could have run up the stairs without breaking a sweat, but even though he was in the lead, he went at Rae’s pace. The stairs were narrow and steep, and Rae felt herself getting slightly short of breath. She paused for a second to steady herself on the curved rough stone wall, and when she resumed her climb, Finn reached his hand back to hold hers. He didn’t pull her along or urge her to go faster, just seemed to know that she was getting slightly dizzy from the upward spiral, and might appreciate a hand. His palm was dry and slightly rough, but warm and reassuring.

When they reached the top, they were rewarded with a spectacular view of the town, with the Medina and the Great Mosque in the foreground and the Gulf of Hammamet in the distance. The sky was that saturated azure blue that is almost painful to look at, with only the merest wisps of clouds to break it up. There were a few ships in the harbor, and Rae idly wondered what they carried, but  her mind ceased all chatter when Finn stepped to stand right next to her at the stone railing, his arm and leg touching hers as he surveyed the panorama, too. 

There wasn’t a lot of room at the top of the tower. As they had emerged from the dark of the staircase into the open air, a couple of young boys looked at them with scorn and scampered back down the stairs. For a moment, the two of them were alone, seemingly at the top of the world, and Rae couldn’t keep this smile inside. Finn looked over at her, smiling at her smile and Rae grinned a little wider. This was a feedback loop she could get used to. 

They weren’t alone for long, another pair burst onto the scene, laughing loudly about something, and when Rae heard them, she instinctively withdrew from Finn, crossing her arms. He looked at her, confusion clouding his face. She relaxed a bit and shook her head, to let him know nothing was wrong, he hadn’t done anything. He visibly relaxed, as well, and when Rae uncrossed her arms, he took her hand again, even though they weren’t headed back down yet. Rae looked down at their joined hands in disbelief, but then stared out to sea to hide her surprise. 

“It’s so pretty up here. I wish I had a camera,” she murmured.

Finn squeezed her hand before letting it go to reach inside his pocket. He pulled out a disposable cardboard camera. “Got one. Mum bought a load of these and said we should document the trip.” He handed it to her to take a picture. She shook her head. “That’s okay. Thanks, though. You take one.” What would be the point? She’d never see the photo.

Finn looked down and bit his lip, but trained his gaze through the viewfinder and snapped a picture, then wound the film with the little plastic dial. He handed Rae the camera again. “Go on, take one, too.” His face looked so sincere, Rae found herself taking the camera and lining up her own shot. She handed the camera back, smiling as she mouthed a thanks. 

Then, Finn spoke over her shoulder, “Do you mind takin’ a photo of us?” He was talking to the other couple. Rae whipped around to look at them, thinking,  _No no no. NO._  She pressed her lips together tightly to stop herself from saying the word out loud, but couldn’t help her head from shaking. The man didn’t seem to notice, and shrugged a yes as he took the camera. Finn put his arm around her and Rae tried to twist her body into something small and unobjectionable. It was happening faster than she could protest, so she just tried to be as tiny as possible. 

When the bloke handed the camera back, Finn said, “Cheers, mate. Do you want one taken, as well?” The couple, a little older than Finn and Rae, nodded and the young woman lifted the strap of her 35mm camera from around her neck and handed it gingerly to Finn. He took one, then one more for ‘safety.’ He passed it back and they both nodded their thanks as they headed back down the stairs, Finn leading once again. 

Rae kept her right hand on the wall as they spiraled and Finn kept looking back to make sure she was alright. She nearly missed a step and reached out instinctively to steady herself on Finn’s shoulder. He grinned back at her and they squeezed themselves against the wall as a group of tourists passed them. When they had passed, she took her hand back and Finn said, “Might want to keep it there until we’re at the bottom.” Rae shrugged and placed her hand on his shoulder again, trying to keep her touch light, trying not to lean too heavy. 

At the bottom, Rae stood up tall and put her hands out into the air either side; she’d been on the verge of claustrophobia in the stairwell and had been hunching over unconsciously. Finn smiled at her, “Y’alright?”

“Yeah, yeah. Just a little dizzy after all those stairs.” She took a deep breath for dramatic effect and said, “I’m okay!” Finn laughed and took her hand to lead her back out to the market. 

The two of them picked their way along the stalls that lined the streets around the Ribat. The sights, sounds and smells were so different to anything she’d experienced at home. Everything seemed geared for heat, for warmth; it seemed there were particles of spices in the very air they breathed. The French voices had a lilt and Arabic voices had a heft, and as they bounced around the market, the space around them buzzed with words they didn’t know. The food displayed was red-orange-yellow, and the vendors tried to get them to taste everything, but they silently demurred.

A man selling scarves tried to take Rae’s hand and draw her into his shop. This had happened before, on her very first outing to the market, and Rae had gotten away, saying, “No money, no dinar,” but this time, Finn was there, and he tugged on Rae’s other hand, which he still had hold of, and shook his head at the man, who grudgingly nodded his understanding.

Rae was having a good time, but at the back of her happiness was a wondering. Why hadn’t she done this more? Why hadn’t she gone to the Ribat on her own? Did she need someone else in order to feel this sort of happiness? Or did she just prefer company, even though she wished she could be happy on her own? 

Finn seemed to sense her withdrawal, and he gently pulled her along to a fountain in a nearby square, shaded by some palms. He sat down on the edge, and gestured for her to join him. “Everythin’ alright?” he asked.

“Yeah, absolutely!” She smiled, nodding. Finn looked at her like he wasn’t quite convinced. “Really!” she insisted. “I just get lost in my own thoughts, sometimes.” 

Finn just kept looking at her. She wasn’t sure if he wanted her to go on, or if he was lost in thought himself.

“I dunno, it’s like, when you’re havin’ a good time, but then you want to be aware that you’re havin’ a good time, y’know, so you remember the good time, but then you’re not in the moment anymore, so are ya still havin’ a good time?” She knew she was rambling and looked around desperately for a simpler topic to change the conversation. She bit her lip and carried on, unable to stem the tide of words. She looked up and away from Finn, not wanting to see his eyes glaze over, but knowing he must be getting tired of her rambling. “I hope that doesn’t make me sound weird, like I can’t have any fun without analyzing it to death, but I sometimes find myself thinking about thinking and …” 

It was probably for the best that she didn’t know what she was going to say after that ‘and’ because as she looked back to gauge how bored Finn was, she just had time to raise her eyebrows and brace for the impact of his lips on hers. He’d caught her in mid-chatter, so her lips were slightly parted, and his upper lip rested perfectly in between them. He waited until she shifted, becoming a participant in the kiss, before he drew her lower lip gently into his mouth, nipping it between his teeth. Rae held her breath, afraid to break the spell, but eventually had to pull back to draw in some air. She thought she remembered reading somewhere that the slight lack of oxygen you experience while kissing had something to with why people feel intoxicated by feelings of “love.” But, as she slowly opened her eyes to find Finn’s deep brown pupils searching her face for clues as to how she felt about being kissed, she wondered if maybe she’d made that up.

Neither spoke for a long moment. Finally, Rae ventured, “You didn’t have to do that.”

Finn pulled his face back, brows furrowed. “What d’ya mean? I know.” He bit his lip. “Didn’t ya like it? Did ya not want me to?”

Rae shook her head, “No, I mean, yes. I did! It was … it was lovely. I just … you didn’t have to kiss me, if you were feelin’ sorry for me or somethin’.”

“Why would I feel sorry for ya, Rae? I was kissin’ ya because I wanted to.” His eyes scanned hers. “And maybe to shut ya up just a little.” Now he gave her a cheeky grin. Rae shoved him in the chest, scoffing. 

“That’s—“ Rae started, but didn’t get to finish, as Finn was kissing her again, and this time, it took her only a split second to join him inside that second kiss, pulling him close by his shirt, feeling his hand slowing sliding up her thigh. And then, she didn’t feel anything else but his lips on hers, her tongue curling around his, and the sound of her heart pulsing in her ears. 

* * * * *

When they came up for air a moment later, Rae looked around the shaded square. A few older women gave them scornful looks, and Rae felt a little embarrassed, but also emboldened. She sprang up from her seat and held her hand out to Finn, “Come on, let’s go. I’m starving.”

Finn grinned and took her hand as she led him back through the market to one of the vendors who had pita bread stuffed with tuna, harissa, cucumbers, onions and olives. They got some cold mint tea with honey and wandered around the market, aimless. They were already with their destination, so it didn’t matter where they went. 

After lunch, Finn tried to steal a kiss, but Rae put her hand up. “I’ve just eaten tuna and onion—“

“So? So’ve I.” Finn disarmed her long enough to get his kiss, but Rae soon pulled away. She couldn’t hide her smile, though, and threaded her fingers through his. 

Rae showed Finn where she got her batteries, so he could get more if the ones she gave him wore out. They chatted about music, discussed more first vs. second albums (Pablo Honey vs. The Bends became a heated topic), even talked about their families. Rae learned that Finn hadn’t seen his mum for years before this summer. In the winter, when he’d been in Leeds for a bit and still hadn’t made new friends, he’d written to her, and they’d started a correspondence, which eventually resulted in an invitation to come on vacation with her and her new partner. His dad had been wary, but acknowledged that Finn was almost grown. He’d just turned eighteen, so his dad couldn’t stop him, but he didn’t try to. 

Rae told Finn about meeting her dad after years, and how he’d turned out to be a real twat. She hadn’t kept his turntable, gave it to a charity shop, and started saving for one she bought on her own. She almost had enough money, what with saving almost all her wages and tips. 

After another hour or two, they found they had drifted close to their hotels.

“D’ya wanna come up to my room?” Finn asked. His tone was so innocent, Rae didn’t really worry he would try something, but then she got to wondering if he did, what she would do. 

Her pause was just long enough to make Finn look up to see what expression she wore. “Oh, no! I just meant, we’ve been out in the heat for hours. Might be nice to be inside with shade and a fan, is all.”

Rae smirked and nodded, letting Finn pull her along through the lobby of his hotel. They had to walk past the pool to the stairs up to his floor. Rae got to see firsthand the gaggles of girls that had been pestering Finn yesterday. Feeling self-conscious, Rae untucked a lock of hair from behind her ear, trying to hide behind her mane. She wasn’t imagining the girls’ narrowed eyes as she walked by, holding this fit boy’s hand. She could have sworn she heard one of them snort in derision.

Finn unlocked his room and waved her in. She glanced around, noting it was twice the size of her room, with a ceiling fan and full bed. 

“This is nice,” she said, subdued from her walk in through the sea of bikini babes.

“Everythin’ okay?” Finn asked, concerned.

“Yeah, sure. Why wouldn’t it be?”

“Just … you seem a little … off, maybe? Down? Are ya thinkin’ about thinkin’ again?” He tried to make her smile.

“Nah,” Rae said, waving a hand. “Maybe just a little confused.”  _Shit._  Well, apparently she couldn’t bite her tongue, and now they were going to talk about why.

“What, why?” Finn asked, predictably worried.

Rae sighed and perched on the edge of Finn’s bed.“I just — I don’t get why I’m the one up here instead of one of those girls by the pool.” She shrugged, looking down to pluck at the duvet cover nervously. 

Finn was silent for a long moment. When she looked up, she found him staring at her evenly. “Do you WANT me to be up here with one of those other girls?”

Rae was surprised, and shook her head. 

“Good,” he said, matter-of-factly as he sat next to her on the bed. “‘Cause I don’t want to be here with any of them, either. I want to be here with you.” He leaned forward, and just before his lips touched hers, he whispered, “and, look, I am.” Her lips tingled, sensing the vibration of the air from his words and she nearly swooned even before he kissed her again.


	4. Chapter 4

Kiss led to kiss and after a long afternoon of experiments in oxygen deprivation, Rae and Finn were lying on his bed, breathing heavily to make up for the loss. The “Why?” that had been bouncing around Rae’s brain had gone quiet for the time being. Because their when their lips met, that seemed to be answer enough.

When his breathing slowed, Finn said, in a quiet voice, “I heard you before I saw you.”  

“Mmmm?” Rae asked, curious, but still too breathless to waste words.

“Singin’, that is. On the beach.”

Two nights ago. Jesus, it already seemed like another life. This  _morning_  seemed like another life. Rae just nodded, though she wasn’t sure what he was getting at.

“I had me head down. Usually do.” Finn was trying to tell her something, and she was going try and let him. When he didn’t continue, she nodded again for him to go on.

“Ever since …” he didn’t finish that thought, but kept talking. “… I don’t seem to want to join in. It’s like, I moved away from me friends, I’m doin’ a job I hate, I don’t even … I didn’t know what I wanted, but I didn’t want to be tied down. Or give anyone the wrong idea about … anythin’.”

Rae drew her brows together and felt her mouth turn down, not sure what he was on about. She wasn’t planning on tying him down. She wasn’t planning on seeing him again after Friday. She bit her lip.

“I … I don’t really know what I’m gettin’ at, but when I heard you singin’ … And when I looked up and you seemed so familiar …”

Rae turned her head to look at Finn’s profile as he spoke to the ceiling. Christ, he was bloody gorgeous. 

He must have been holding his breath, the way he puffed out a sigh. “It just seems like anythin’ I care about … fades away. And I don’t know what to do about that.”

Rae turned on her side to study Finn better, then leaned over to kiss his cheek. He’d become somber, and she didn’t like to see him sad. This was supposed to be fun, a summer romance, a week-long fling.

Finn blinked rapidly, but didn’t continue. 

She decided to try and lighten the mood. “So, why didn’t you ever come over and talk to me?”

“Huh?” Finn glanced over at her, confused.

“At those parties last summer.”

“Oh! Well, I was a right moody git last year. My nan just died—“

“Oh, I’m so sorry!” Rae whispered. She hadn’t meant to bring up an even sadder subject.

“—and I was torn between goin’ back to college or findin’ a job … I didn’t feel like bein’ sociable, even with me mates. Figured I’d just fuck it up, sound stupid. I’d just go outside and smoke.”

Rae couldn’t believe what she was hearing; a boy too shy to come and talk to  _her_? “Sounds like you’ve had a rough year.” Finn nodded wordlessly. Rae took a deep breath, unsure, but feeling like she owed him a secret in trade. “I can relate.” 

Now Finn looked at her with concern. She shrugged. “I already told ya about me dad. Me mum almost died when she went into labour with Jasmine. She’s fine now; they both are … but before all that … I wasn’t well for a long time. I’m gettin’ better. I have a therapist and I take tablets that help. It’s really borin’, but I know about feelin’ … lost. Not sure about—“

“—anythin’.” Finn supplied. Now he’d turned on his side, and was staring into her eyes. She was pretty sure he could see into her very soul. Even thinking that made her want to roll her eyes at herself, but it was like every cliché of every romantic movie and dumb love song that she swore she’d never relate to happening to her all at once.

Rae nodded. “Yeah.” This was the deepest conversation she’d ever had with anyone, including Kester, and all she could reply was  _Yeah_.

She moved to lay on her back again, but Finn inched forward to embrace her. She hugged him back, hard. Then, she felt his breath on her neck as he whispered, “I dunno why I told ya all that. But thanks for listenin’.”

“No problem, Finn,” she whispered back. 

Finn lifted his head and brought his lips to hers, kissing her deeply. There had been a shift a moment ago, and she’d felt a vague worry that he wouldn’t want to kiss her again, after having confessed and hearing her confession in return. But the shift seemed to be between gears, not into reverse. This kiss felt more personal that the previous hour or so, which she hadn’t thought possible, but it was. When the kiss ended, Rae felt her heart yo-yo from her chest to her stomach and back again. She had been prepared to live in that kiss. She was planning on sending out change of address cards, and it must have shown all over her face, from the look Finn was giving her.

“So, now what?” he asked, smoothing a lock of her hair away from her forehead. 

Rae looked up at the lengthening shadows on the ceiling. “What time is it?” she asked, slightly panicked.

Finn looked at the clock next to the bed. “Just gone six.”

“Bollocks! I didn’t tell Karim I wouldn’t be at dinner! He’s probably worried sick!” She jumped up and looked around the room for her bag, which had slipped off her shoulder between the door and the bed. She grabbed it and started to open the door when she looked back and saw Finn staring at her with an almost mournful expression. “I’m sorry, I jus’ didn’t think we’d still be … together, so I didn’t …”

Finn shook his head. “That’s … I’m fine. I’ll probably jus’ order some room service, or …”

“Isn’t your mum comin’ back?”

“Well, I told her I’d be busy all day, so she and Sophia are … well, I dunno.”

Rae paused in the door frame. “You said you’d be busy all day?”

“Well … yeah.” Finn looked down at his hands.

Rae couldn’t believe what she was hearing. “Well, I s’pose … if you want, you can come to dinner. I’ll …  I’ll say you’re a friend from home. It’s not  _not_  true.”

Finn’s head shot up, eyebrows raised high enough to be hidden under his messy fringe. “Really?”

“Yeah, I mean, I don’t think it’d be a problem. There’s always plenty.” She waved her hand for him to hurry up and follow her. Finn hastily shoved his room key in his pocket and took her hand. 

This time as they walked past the pool, Rae led Finn, and the smile on her face elicited awe in place of scorn as they floated past the girls still lounging by the pool.

* * * * *

On her night off, and on alternating dinner shifts, Rae ate dinner with Karim and the rest of his family. His mother often stayed at the hospital with his father, and sometimes either Karim or Safira were also at the hospital. But Sarina and Kashira were always there; they had grown fond of Rae and would often ask to sit on either side of her. If lunch was slow, they would come out and play in the corner of the restaurant, asking Rae to color with them or tell them the English names of things in their picture books. 

When Rae appeared at the kitchen door fifteen minutes late, a relieved smile flickered over Karim’s face. Today Safira had stayed with his mother. At the back of her mind, she wondered if Karim had stayed because he was worried about her. When Karim’s eyes focused on Finn standing behind her, his face clouded over. 

“Sorry I’m late, Karim; I really should get a watch.”

“Rae!” Sarina jumped up from the table to give her a hug. Kashira wiped her mouth and followed suit. She leaned down to hug them both, and when she straightened, she gestured to Finn, who had hung back in the doorway. “Um, this is Finn. He’s a friend from home; he’s stayin’ at the hotel next door with his mum. We … happened to run into each other.”

“Hiya,” Finn waved from the doorway. 

“Is it okay if he eats dinner with us?” Rae asked Karim.

Karim furrowed his brow, but inclined his head toward to the empty chairs across from he and the girls.

“Thank you, sir,” Finn said. He and Rae slid into their seats. Karim brought a plate and cutlery over for Finn, who murmured more thanks.

“It is nothing.” Karim sat down across from them, looking between Rae and Finn for a moment before asking, “He is from Stamford? You are friends?”

The pair exchanged a glance, nodding. “Yeah, he’s been in Leeds the last year, but we were friends last summer. Y’know, when you were hidin’ out in the house.” 

Finn scrunched his face at this comment. “What?” Seeing Karim give him a sharp look, he said, “Y’ never told me ‘bout that.”

Rae smirked. “Well, I wasn’t s’posed to, was I? Mum picked me up from—“ She stopped abruptly, eyes wide. She’d told him she wasn’t well, but she hadn’t told him about being in hospital. Shit. “… my last trip, and she’s got this fella in the boot.” She hooked a thumb in Karim’s direction and hoped Finn wouldn’t ask about where she’d been.

“In the boot?” Finn asked, to Rae’s relief.

“Yeah, I never did get all the details, but there was a spot of bother with immigration before they decided to tie the knot.” She spooned some tagine and couscous onto her plate, eyes flicking up to meet Karim’s, who looked skeptical. “So, I kept quiet about it until it was official.”

Finn nodded. “And by that time, I was already gone.”

It was strange, these lies seemed real, that they had been good friends over the summer. Rae’s mind imagined what it would have been like to have hung out with Finn last year, instead of Chloe and Stacey and the rest. She shook her head; it was too improbable. 

Rae gestured for Finn to get some food, as well, and it was quiet for a moment, while Finn tasted the tagine and then tucked in. Karim was watching him eat, and Rae was pushing food around on her plate. The girls were whispering between themselves next to their uncle. After a pause, the younger one, Kashira, asked (in French) if they were in love. Rae choked on the tiny bite she’d finally taken, shaking her head as she coughed. 

“Non?” Kashira asked, seeming disappointed. The girls favorite stories were of princesses who found their prince: Sleeping Beauty, Cinderella, Snow White, they loved fairy tales. Rae would read the stories to the girls in halting French, all the while thinking they were a load of bollocks. It was so unlikely that they would happen to anyone, let alone her. 

Finn looked back and forth between Rae and the girls. “What’s up?” he asked.

“Oh, nothin’. They asked if you were my boyfriend, but don’t worry, I said you weren’t.” Rae took another tiny bite.

Finn furrowed his brow, but didn’t say anything. 

Rae turned to the girls again and attempted a response. “Ils est mon … ami … um, pas mon … chéri.” Sarina and Kashira shrugged, but gave each other a look. To Finn, she whispered, “I think that was right; I only took a year of French.”

“What did you say?” he whispered back.

“I said you were my friend, not my  _boy_ friend.” She looked up at Karim, who gave her a tight-lipped smile. 

Finn bit his lip. “Oh.” 

Rae was so used to blokes not wanting to be associated with her; it was second-nature to deny her feelings. Yes, they had just spent an afternoon making out, and then shared deeply personal things with one another, but in Rae’s limited experience that didn’t follow that they were a couple. Especially not when he was leaving in a few days. 

After dinner, Finn helped clear the table and offered to wash the dishes, but when Rae showed him the pile from the restaurant that they added their plates to, he held up his hands as if to say, “I give!” 

Finn and Karim were making stilted small talk, Karim asking about Finn’s family, where his dad lived, while Rae played with the girls. When he seemed satisfied that Finn was who Rae claimed him to be, or perhaps when he had exhausted his vocabulary, Karim excused himself to help Pamela in the restaurant. 

Finn came over to find Rae sitting on the floor,wearing a plastic tiara. He pointed to it and said, “Suits you.” Rae reached up quickly to remove it, feeling embarrassed. 

“We were playing princesses,” she explained, fidgeting the tiara between her fingers. “Their favorite game at the moment.” 

Finn took the tiara and put it on his head, framing his fringe, as he sat down. Kashira and Sarina fell into fits of giggles. Sarina handed him a pink wand with a heart on the end, which he took and lightly tapped each of the girls on the head, then turned to Rae and did the same.

“What does that do?” Rae asked, laughing.

“Ummm, I guess it … makes your wish come true,” Finn said, shrugging. He took the tiara off and put it back on Rae’s head. “I think this looks better on you. You have the right hair to pull it off.”

“Oh, yeah?” Rae said, skeptical. 

“Yep. You have princess-y hair.” He took a section from either side of her face and draped it over her shoulders. Then he gestured to his handiwork and turned to the girls who were whispering to each other. “She makes a good princess, oui?” They giggled some more and nodded.

Rae shook her head; he was being silly. She took the tiara off and gave it back to Sarina, standing up. “This probably wasn’t how you pictured your Mediterranean vacation, huh?” she said, as Finn stood to follow her. 

“Honestly, I came here with no idea what I’d see or do. Just … got on the plane.” 

They walked past the dining room. Pamela caught Rae’s eye and raised her eyebrows knowingly. She ostentatiously mouthed, “DE-TAILS” before turning back to take the table’s order. Karim must have been in the kitchen. 

She quickened her pace past the pool. “Hmm, really?” she murmured. She wanted to ask if he was having a better time than he’d imagined, but she couldn’t get her voice to cooperate. Finn had to jog to not fall behind. “Hey, slow down, where’re we goin’?” 

Rae stopped just past the pool. “I, uh, I’m not sure.” It was well past sunset, the last bit of dusk spread across the western sky. The moon was out, high in the sky, scattering it’s reflection on the waves. “Ummm, wait here a minute; I’ll be right back.”

She walked back to the dining room and skirted around the tables to the kitchen. Karim was arranging a few plates on a tray. “Karim?” she asked. 

He nodded, not looking up.

“I’m goin’ for a walk along the beach with Finn, is that okay?”

Karim kept nodding. “Of course. It is your day off. You can do what you wish.” Before he lifted the tray up to carry it into the restaurant, he met Rae’s eyes and smiled. “Have fun.” 

Rae smiled back, relieved, and then turned to join Finn. Behind her, she heard Karim add, “And be careful!” She waved to let him know she’d heard his second instruction.

As she walked back out to the beach, Finn was sitting on a chaise lounge, illuminated by a lamp on a pole next to the pool. He was biting his cuticle nervously. Rae stole up next to him and sat down by his side. “Sorry, just tellin’ Karim we’d be out here, maybe take a walk or somethin’.”

Finn dropped his hand guiltily, like he’d been caught shoplifting. 

“Hey, we all have bad habits,” Rae joked, bumping his shoulder with hers. 

Finn nodded. “When I smoked, I didn’t bite my nails as much. Now that I quit … well …” He spread his fingers out for a split second before curling them into his palms, and sticking a fist on either side of his lap.

Rae reached over and put her right hand on top of his clenched fist, giving it a squeeze. He relaxed a bit and she slid her fingers in between his. She knew about having things you were self-conscious about. The scars beneath her leggings, the extra flesh that hung off her bones, the extra inches of height that made her even more conspicuous. 

“Hey, you quit smokin’! That’s quite somethin’.” She let go of Finn’s hand, and his head whipped up to look at her. She stood up and extended the same hand. “C’mon,” she said. “Let’s take a walk.” 

He took her hand again and followed her lead as she slipped her Converse off. Barefoot, they trudged along the shore. There weren’t many other people on the beach, which was fine by Rae. In the night shadow of one of the hotels, Finn gently pulled on her arm, causing her to stop, and then stood to face her. He leaned in, his lips brushing hers lightly at first, questioning until her lips firmly made their answer. 

In their bare feet, they were almost exactly the same height. Rae might have been an inch taller, but their lips were precisely the same level, which meant that it was extremely easy to get lost kissing him. There weren’t any contortions needed, any leaning or reaching. All that was required was to maintain balance and not topple over. 

She wasn’t sure how long they’d been in this latest kiss. Finn’s free hand hand had snaked it’s way up to cup her cheek, his pinky resting gently behind her ear and the outside of his palm lining her jaw. Her hands were clutching either side of his shirt. Finn shifted a little closer, and ran his hand around to the base of her neck, tongue darting around hers and he changed the tilt of his head. Rae’s hands started to join up behind Finn’s back, but something stopped her from fully embracing him. Not wanting to be literally clingy or … Finn pulled back to look her in the eyes for a moment before pulling her into an embrace, his face buried in her neck. Now Rae felt strange not to be holding him, so she returned his hug, cautious at first, then running one of her hands up and down his back, which had a sinewy topography completely different to her own rolling peaks and valleys. She didn’t know what any of this was, and she was trying her level best to experience it, acknowledge it, but not hang on to it. This was a moment. She needed to live it, to live  _in_  it. She’d taken a risk, and this was the short-lived reward.

She seemed to be missing how they got from one moment to the next. They weren’t in an embrace anymore, but they were holding hands and walking slowly along the beach. Finn didn’t say anything, and neither did she. They wouldn’t have another day like today. She had to work the rest of his stay. She already felt the loss. 

When they were on the far side of the public beach, Rae paused, and Finn was stopped a beat later when his arm didn’t follow him into the next stride, hand still clasped with Rae’s. He turned around to see why she’d stopped.

“We should probably head back soon.” 

Finn’s head dropped forward in disappointed acknowledgment. He ran his free hand through the back of his hair and nodded. 

“I mean, I’d rather keep walking until we reach Algeria, but … I have to work breakfast tomorrow.” 

Finn sighed, his fingers fidgeting against hers. “Yeah, I know.”

“Are you doin’ somethin’ with your mum tomorrow?”

He shrugged. “If she can be bothered, maybe.”

“Well, I have some time between shifts, if … and I could meet you again after dinner. That is, if you want.”

Finn raised his gaze to meet hers. “‘Course I want to, Rae.”

“Okay, well, then it’s a date, yeah? Nine-thirty by the pool.”

Finn nodded and they walked back to the hotel, slowly, sliding their feet through the sand, taking their time because this was all the time they had.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have feelings about this story that I’ve been wondering if I should talk about. (Some of them prompted by thisissomefreshbullshit’s comments on chapter 4 on Tumblr.) It has occurred to me from the beginning, but more and more as I get into this fic, that it’s not just the place that makes things a (little bit) easier for Rae and Finn. They’ve each had time. Almost a whole extra year, which, in their young lives, is not insubstantial.
> 
> Finn has gone to Leeds for reasons other than Rae. Rae has had a year of therapy and had a relationship with Liam that ran its course, leaving her with maybe a few more metaphorical scars, but also wiser. (Not wise, just wisER.)
> 
> I was struggling internally with this chapter for a couple of days, but I’m going to post it. You guys can let me know what you think! :)
> 
> OH. AND. WARNING: This chapter contains a quantity of smut. Smut with substance, but smut is smut.

After they shared a lingering goodnight kiss, Rae grabbed her shoes and headed back inside. Both her head and her heart were full, and she couldn’t account for how she was feeling. Obviously, she was happy. She was over the fucking moon. But this happiness had an expiration date. He would leave in a few days, and even if he came back to Stamford to visit his dad, it didn’t mean she’d see him again. They’d grown up in the same place for seventeen years and hadn’t managed to properly meet, why assume that he’d want to see her again after he left?

Rae ambled along, unaware of her surroundings, until she was at the end of the hall outside her room. She pulled out her room key and just as she opened the door, she heard a hissing at the other end of the hall.

“Psssst! Rae!” Pamela was shout-whispering her name and waving at her.

Rae tossed her Converse into her room and padded back towards the dining room.

“What?” she asked, in hushed tones.

“What d’ya mean, ‘what’? Spill. I told ya I wanted details.”

“Can’t it wait?” Rae glanced in the doorway and only saw one table occupied.

“This guy won’t leave; he’s been nursing one drink for an hour and a half. I keep droppin’ hints about how the kitchen is getting ready to close, but he won’t budge! So, dish.”

Rae rolled her eyes. “I dunno what to say … he’s nice.”

“Nice??? He’s bloody gorgeous, you lucky bitch.” The smile on Pamela’s face reassured Rae that she didn’t really think she was a bitch. “What went on? Did you … ? You know?”

“What? No! Well, I mean, we made out. Which was …” She stopped to sigh dreamily at the memory. “It was … I don’t get why he likes me, but …”

“What’re ya on about? You’re bloody terrific, Rae!” Pamela shoved Rae good-naturedly in the shoulder, presumably to knock some sense into her. 

“That’s as may be, but blokes don’t usually think so. At least, not in my experience.” Rae bit her lip as she thought back over the day. It all seemed so natural, and real. She didn’t think he was doing it as a joke. 

“Well, then the boy has some sense!” Pamela grinned. “Are ya seein’ him again?”

“I—I think we’re meetin’ after dinner tomorrow, like the first couple of nights.” Rae twirled a lock of hair around her finger.

“Okay, that’s not enough! You’ve been workin’ lunch for me since ya got here; it’s time I paid ya back.”

“But we haven’t made plans for the afternoon. He might be doin’ somethin’ with his mum and her friend.” 

“Well, I’d wager he comes by. He was followin’ after ya like a lovestruck puppy when ya took him out to the beach.” Pamela looked over her shoulder into the dining room. “Well, will wonders never cease? Mr. Outstayed-His-Welcome is finally ready for the check! I’d better go. Come over later if you wanna chat!” She winked at Rae and was gone in a flash.

Rae rubbed her thumbs and forefingers together nervously.  _Lovestruck puppy?_ she thought. _Pamela must have heat stroke or something. I mean, we_ did _kiss. A lot. But . ._. Rae had been trying really hard to talk herself out of this, but the evidence so far conclusively pointed to a fit boy really liking her. HER. Of all people.

Back inside her room, Rae allowed herself a smile and a little victory dance. She wasn’t going to dwell on the fact that he was leaving in a few days; she would just have fun while he was here.

* * * * *

The next morning, she fairly skipped to the dining room, and was halfway through setting up the continental breakfast buffet when Karim stuck his head around the corner. “Rachel! Linda … your mum …” Rae’s heart leapt into her throat. “… she is on the phone!”  _Oh, thank Christ._

“But it’s 5:30 in the mornin’ there!” Rae protested.

“She is … on early. Quick hurry!” Karim led her to the phone and Rae picked it up. 

“Hello? Mum?”

“Rae! Chicken!” 

“Why’re ya callin’ so early?” 

“I’m on day shift this week, an’ I know you two are up to do breakfast, so I thought I’d catch ya before I headed out. I’m too knackered after work to do more than look after Jazz and call for a takeaway.”

“Are ya alright?” Rae asked, suddenly worried.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine! How’re you, love? Enjoyin’ yourself? Makin’ friends?”

“Uhhh, yeah! Yeah, it’s not bad here. Too hot, but lovely. An’ Pamela, th’other waitress? She’s somethin’ of a mate, yeah.”

Karim was smiling at her as she spoke to her mum. He was clearly pleased as punch to hear from his wife. Rae hadn’t properly thought about how hard the separation would be for them. 

“Good, good! So, sounds like I’ll be gettin’ my Walnut Whip, then?” 

Rae rolled her eyes and smiled in spite of herself. “You just might. But the trip isn’t over yet! Though, I like your odds,” she conceded.

“Wonderful, somethin’ to look forward to! Along wi’ you two comin’ home, that is! Pass me back to Karim, will ya?”

Rae nodded. “Sure thing. Bye, Mum!”

When she handed the phone to Karim he relaxed, his grin widening when he heard Linda’s voice on the line. As Rae walked away, she heard him ask, “How big is she now?” Rae’s heart broke a little for him, he was missing two-thirds of his family. The two-thirds that mattered most, in fact. She knew Karim was very fond of her, and treated her heaps better than her own deadbeat dad ever had, but she knew it wasn’t the same. He had Jasmine now; his own flesh and blood. And Rae was getting ready to go to university in a year. She wiped away an errant tear as she arranged the fresh fruit.

* * * * *

Breakfast passed at a glacial pace. Rae had never known time to march quite so slowly past. She kept looking at the clock, but she wasn’t sure why. Finn hadn’t said he’d be by; she was just going to have more time to kill.

Ten o’clock came and the dining room was cleared. She hauled two bus tubs full of plates and coffee cups back to the kitchen, ripped the tablecloths off the tables that had been used that morning, and laid fresh ones for the lunch crowd. She made sure there were enough set-ups for the rest of the day, and began to clean around the coffee machine. She didn’t know what to expect, but her heart was currently residing in her throat. Every noise made her jump, hoping or fearing it was Finn. 

It was mostly hope, but the fear came from waiting for the other shoe to drop. The moment he’d realize he’d been wasting his time on her, when he could have been snogging some bikini model. 

If she’d come here last year, right after her time in hospital, she wouldn’t have ever met him. She’d have stayed in her room when she wasn’t serving or clearing, and even if she had been singing by the beach, if she’d known he’d heard her, she’d have run a mile. Realizing this, she suddenly felt like she’d made progress, from the kind of sad and scared she was when she went into hospital, to the kind of scared she was when she came out, to the uncertain fear she felt around Liam, to her time after Liam, when she was scared because she thought she’d made a mistake chucking the only bloke who would ever like her. To today, when she allowed her fear to be tempered with hope. Because she wanted Finn to like her, but she now knew she’d survive if he didn’t. She’d survive when he left. She’d survive if she never saw him again after Friday.

She was wrapped up in these thoughts and didn’t hear the noise Finn actually made as he clipped a table on his way over to her, jostling the silverware and condiments, stopping to plant his hands over the salt and pepper shakers to stop them from tumbling over. It wasn’t until he hissed, “Bollocks!” as the little spoon on the side of the pot of harissa clattered to the table that she looked up, her surprise quickly giving way to a smile.

“Well, helloooo, sir,” she drawled. “Breakfast is served seven till ten. Perhaps you can join us for lunch, which begins at 11:30.”

Finn bit his lower lip as it curled into a smile. “I might jus’ do that.”

“Your mum didn’t have plans for you today?” She gave the espresso machine one last buff with her cloth before putting it down and walking over to Finn.

He leaned in to kiss her and she put a hand on his chest, looking around first. Karim must be at the front desk, and there were no little ones to giggle at them. Then she leaned in, too, though she made the kiss brief. “Good morning,” she smiled.

“Well, well, well, what have we here?” a sharp voice asked. They both turned to see Pamela strolling over to them. “Why if it isn’t Mr. Moonlight.” Finn looked at Rae, confused. Rae’s eyes were wide with panic. She knew she should blink, but she just shrugged and murmured, “Ignore her.” Then in a louder voice, “Pamela, this is Finn.”

Pamela stuck her hand out to shake Finn’s. “Nice to meet ya, mate. I’ve heard almost nothin’ about ya.” She gave him a toothy grin, and Finn cleared his throat to say, “Uh, likewise.”

“Rae, I think my ankle’s still a little dodgy, so I’m not gonna swim. You two should go somewhere.”

Rae wondered idly if she really had hurt her ankle, and asked, “Are you sure? D’ya want me to do lunch while you rest?”

Pamela shot her an incredulous look. “Of course not, ya donkey! I’m trying to be subtle, but that’s a lost cause. If ya wanna take the afternoon, ya can have it!” She shook her head. “For someone who’s so observant …” Then she gave Rae a wink.

Finn tried to hide the fact that he was laughing.

“Oi! Very nice,” she muttered, though she couldn’t help smiling at her own denseness. “I should probably check with Karim, though.” She started to walk to the lobby.

“You can, but I’ve already told him I’m workin’ lunch.”

Rae stopped in her tracks. Pamela seemed to have thought of everything.

“Go and get changed, then. Just be back by five to get ready and help set up for dinner.” She leaned in to whisper in Rae’s ear. “And this time, I’m goin’ to  _insist_  you dish some dirt, so do somethin’ worth talkin’ about, will ya?”

The surface of Rae’s face flamed hot enough to melt her own knicker elastic with embarrassment, but she just swallowed and stuttered, “Th-thanks for the tip.”

She waved to Finn and called, “I’ll jus’ get changed, okay?” 

He nodded, giving her a smile. She started to back out of the dining room, and turned around when she knocked her shoulder on the doorframe. She heard Pamela say, “You certainly know how to get a girl flustered, Mr. Moon.” That sent Rae rushing down the hall so she could be back before Pamela said something even more indiscreet. 

* * * * *

When she emerged a few minutes later, in one of her guitar shirts and a pair of well-worn jeans, as she had nothing else better. Finn was wearing something very similar; his t-shirt said “grunge is dead” on it and she couldn’t help admiring his arms under the rolled sleeves. Finn seemed to be studying to photo on her chest pretty thoroughly, until she said, “Think it’s a Stratocaster.”

Finn emerged from his reverie and said, “Huh? Oh, yeah, thought that neck looked familiar.” He cleared his throat. 

“Do you play?” Rae asked.

“Uh, a little. Started to practice more once I moved to Leeds and had loads of time on me hands.” He looked down at his fingers. “Need a pick, obviously.”

Rae smiled. “That’s really cool! I can’t play any instruments; always thought it would be … well, cool, to be able to make your own music.”

“But ya can! Your singin’ is amazin’!” Finn protested.

Rae shook her head. “Ya’ve only heard me once … and ya couldn’t have heard much.”

Finn stared again, this time at her eyes. “I heard enough.”

There seemed to be words he didn’t say hanging in the air. In Rae’s head, she heard “I heard enough  _to know_.” To know  _what_ precisely? She shook her head. She was being crazy again.  _Must not fall back into bad habits._  

She broke her gaze first, looking down at the floor as she cleared her throat. “Um, so, what d’ya wanna do?”

Finn inhaled audibly and held his breath for a moment. “Uhhh, I hadn’t thought that far ahead. My mum and Sophia asked if I wanted to come with them to see Monastir. Supposed to be amazin’ architecture or summat, but …”

“But?” Rae asked. 

“But I feel like the biggest third wheel of all time when I’m with them, and … when I’m with you …” Finn trailed off.

“When you’re with me …” Rae prompted him to finish his thought.

“I don’t.” Finn said the words quietly and Rae had to go back and parse the meaning. He didn’t feel like a third wheel? That must be a good thing. She smiled.

“Okay, so since you’re missin’ out on amazin’ architecture, we’d better do somethin’ special.” She held her hand out for Finn to take. Finn looked at it, then up at her, and grinned as he slipped his hand into hers. 

* * * * *

The “something special” ended up to be just wandering around Sousse. Though, somehow, Rae felt it  _was_  more special than seeing monuments and mosques in Monastir. This time, when Rae felt Finn’s eyes on her, she met them, she didn’t look away. They nearly bumped into several carts at the smaller market near their hotels, so they found a spot to sit down and watch the world go by. When twelve-thirty rolled around, it was too hot even in the shade.

“Do … do ya wanna come back to mine?” Finn asked, when he saw Rae trying to fan herself with the street guide. “I feel like I’m bein’ broiled alive.”

“Ummm, sure,” she said, smirking. It was a short walk back to Finn’s hotel, and she bore the walk past the pool with greater poise than she had yesterday. When they got to his room, she half-expected him to kiss her as soon as the door shut behind them, but he didn’t. They stood facing one another just inside the door. He leaned in, but stopped himself, looking up at her with an inscrutable gaze, unconsciously running his tongue across his lower lip. 

Rae was mesmerized by his mouth. She missed it. They had kissed a few times in the shade of a stall, or on a street corner, but yesterday, their mouths had gotten to know one another pretty well, and the sense memory stirred in her stomach. She took a deep breath, like she were diving from a great height and leaned forward to kiss him. He responded immediately, lips hungrily returning her kiss, his hands running up her sides and around her back to pull her closer while simultaneously walking her back to the bed. 

Rae was amazed. All she’d had to do was take the tiniest step in his direction; it was like he’d been waiting for her to initiate something. They sunk onto the bed, arms around each other, still upright, each with a leg dangling off the edge of the mattress. 

Somewhere, at the back of her consciousness, Rae’s mind asked,  _What is this? What are we?_  She remembered the first and last time she’d asked those questions, of Liam. The venomous vehemence of his response she would never forget, “How the  _fuck_  should I know? Why does it have to be ANYTHING? Why can’t we just do what we want and not put a fucking label on it?”

Rae had asked the question because nothing like what she and Liam were doing had ever happened to her before. She was genuinely curious, but when angry spittle had flown out of Liam’s mouth as he “answered” her, she swore she’d never ask another guy those questions, because it seemed guys didn’t want definitions. They didn’t want to declare anything.

“What’s the matter?” Finn asked, in the here and now. He’d pulled back slightly to see Rae’s face clearly, and she shook her head.

“Nothin’.” He just kept looking at her. “Honest!” She held up three fingers near her temple. “I swear on my Girl Guides Chocolate badge.”

Finn’s eyes crinkled in amusement. “Is that a thing?”

“‘Course it’s a thing! I had to make chocolate boxes and chocolate ribbons, and ganache for extra credit.” She dropped her salute in favor of running her fingers along the curve of Finn’s jaw. 

Finn closed his eyes and laid his head on her chest. “That sounds … really good.” He slung his arm over her stomach at the ribcage and squeezed her close. She had to stop herself from squirming with discomfort. Thing was, the act itself wasn’t uncomfortable. His embrace felt amazing, but all her fat girl conditioning kicked in and that’s when she felt that he shouldn’t be doing that. That he shouldn’t want to touch her there.

She shimmied and twisted down the bed to face him, moving his arm away from her tummy, to kiss him again. When they were kissing, she didn’t think so much. Soon enough, they got carried away, hands roaming over and under shirts, their breathing becoming labored. Far away, at the back of her brain, Rae wished they could do this without their clothes on; it was sweltering, even with the fan on.

When she dragged her lips away to get some air, both in her lungs and on her skin, she said “God, I’m hot,” unthinkingly.

Finn’s mouth curled into a grin. “ _Yeah_ , you are,” he breathed before kissing her neck, rough, letting his teeth nip her skin, his lower lip drag along her collarbone.

A hot flush of embarrassment rippled through her. “That’s not what I meant,” she explained, sheepish.

Finn looked up at her, resting his hand on her breast and his chin on his hand. “I know, but  _I_  did.” Rae blinked rapidly, not sure what to say or do. Finn lifted his head to gently kiss her on the lips. She wanted more than ever to ask him “Why?” but she bit her tongue. That is, until he slipped his into her mouth. He shifted against her and that’s when she felt it. Empirical evidence that he was attracted to her. Or, at least, that his body was attracted to hers.

He pulled his head away, eyes wide. “S-sorry,” he stuttered.

“Don’t be,” she said. 

She wished she could stop comparing her past experiences with this one. She wanted it be it’s own glorious moment. It was just that this moment was so much better than the fragments flitting across her mind: the lights deliberately switched off, a hand clamped over her mouth, eyes that were squeezed shut tight. 

Finn’s eyes were wide open and got wider as she started to unbuckle his belt. “Y-you don’t hafta–” Rae kissed him quiet, then pulled back to whisper, “I know. I want to.”

She did. The ache between her legs was almost unbearable. Back in Stamford, she’d taken care of business regularly. She knew the house schedule, when she could get a free fifteen minutes. But she’d been shy here. She’d heard Pamela with a tourist on one of her first nights, and didn’t want to accidentally get too into it and be heard, and not have an explanation for why she was moaning.

This was three weeks of sexual-frustration, not three days. She made quick work of his trousers and then took her own shirt off. Finn stared unapologetically at her tits, reaching out to cup them over her bra. She wanted his shirt off, too, so she tugged at the hem until he let go her breasts long enough to yank his t-shirt off over his head. Somewhere in the back of her mind, there was a faint worry that her legs would put him off, but her need to keep going won out.

Finn had gone right back to fondling her breasts, and kissing his way up her neck into her hairline. “Fiiiinnnnnn …” she moaned until he silenced her with a kiss. He ran his hands down her sides, reaching around her back to fiddle with her bra clasp. When he’d managed to unhook it, he pulled off and then his hands resumed their journey southward until he reached the waistband of her jeans. The band was kind of loose and Finn tried to pull them off without unbuttoning them, growling in frustration when they got hung up around her hips. She took matters into her own fingers, undoing them in one swift move, pulling her hands away quick so Finn could peel them off her legs. 

His hand grazed up the inside of her thigh, leaving a trail of goosebumps, even in the heat. He rested his fingers a centimeter or two from her knickers, and her hips twitched back as her toes curled under. His other hand wrapped around her back as his simultaneously lunged forward and pulled her in for a deep kiss before he slipped a finger under the elastic, inching across to gently caress her clit. She had been so ready for his touch that she immediately gasped, “Holy fuck, Finn!” He smirked, letting his hot breath linger on her lips before kissing her again. Then, he added another digit to the task at hand. He slid his fingers to her entrance and pushed his forefinger in, slowly and deliberately, watching her face to see if she liked it. 

“Oh, GOD!”

She did.

She squirmed under his touch, and could feel his wrist was at an awkward angle, so she hastily pushed her palms along her hips to roll her pants down her thighs and give him more room. He took this cue and dragged them down the length of her legs and tossed them away from the bed. 

Rae was vaguely aware he was still in his boxers, and didn’t think that fair, so she pushed her palms on his waistband as well. Finn didn’t help her this time; he seemed to be too stunned. So she hooked her thumbs under the fabric and tugged them off.

There. They were both completely naked. The air from the ceiling fan felt good on her skin. They were both so hot that they fairly glowed, the spots where their bodies touched felt like they could weld together. She was too consumed with lust to worry about what he thought about her body. There would be time enough for that, but right now, she wanted to know what he felt like. She wrapped her hand gently around his erection. He grunted and growled, “Fuck, Rae!” She lightly dragged her fingertips along his length and leaned her upper body into his, pressing their skin together. He responded by massaging her more insistently, his fingers sliding through her wetness as she pumped her hand up and down around him a few times. 

Finn hummed, breathing through his nose. “I don’t want you to take this the wrong way,” he said, his voice husky. “But you’re gonna hafta stop that. Y’know, if you don’t want this to be over too soon.”

Rae pulled her hand away quickly, and Finn laughed in a low voice. “Good choice,” he whispered, leaning in to kiss her. Then he leaned back and looked deep into her eyes. “You do wanna do this, yeah?”

Rae’s eyes widened.  _How could he even ask?_  She nodded. “Yeah, I want to. More than anythin’.”

“Okay, then,” Finn plunged back into the kiss, his fingers working overtime between her legs, but not too rough. It was building, building, her breath coming faster and faster, until he crooked two fingers inside her, her hips bucked back even harder than before and she shouted, “Fuck! Finn!” 

Her body shook around his fingers, and then her orgasm subsided in waves. She lay there, panting, catching her breath. Before she could, she leaned forward to grip Finn again, not wanting to leave him hanging (as it were.) He put his hand over hers and said, “Hold on, okay. I–I want you.”

“I want you, too,” she whispered, trying to get hold of him.

“No,” Finn explained. “I want you, I want to … really be with you. Is that okay?”

Rae nodded and shoved all comparisons to previous activities out of her head. Because nothing could compare to this. To him. 

“Let me grab …” Finn leaned off the edge of the bed to retrieve something from his jeans pocket. “It’s so daft; my mate Chop gave me a few of these before I left, an’ I just put ‘em in my wallet.” He was now sitting up next to Rae, condom wrapper in hand. “I mean, it’s pretty la–” Rae didn’t let him finish that thought before leaning over to kiss him. She gently took the condom from between his fingers and ripped the foil corner open. She pulled her head back to look at what she was doing. It had been a long time since she’d done this, and she was giddy with anticipation. She put it on upside down at first and had to flip it, but soon enough, it was rolled from tip to base and Finn was hungrily kissing her, crawling on top of her. She spread her legs apart to make room for him, and reached up to guide him inside her. He inched his way inside, breathing evenly through his nose, his eyes closed until the second he was all the way in. Then, his eyes flew open to stare into Rae’s and they both started moving together. It took a little bit to find their rhythm, but soon Rae had wrapped her legs around Finn’s waist, hooking her heels together, in order to pull him in deeper and then just a little deeper and then their heads snapped back, Rae arched her back and Finn gripped the outside of her thighs, shouting her name long and loud. She ground her hips up just a little more and Finn yelped, his eyes widened to look at her in disbelief. 

The waves of heat and sensation that had been wracking her body subsided. Finn carefully pulled out and collapsed in a heap next to her with such force, she thought he’d hurt himself.

“What. the fuck. was that.” she panted.

Finn smiled to himself. “That was amazin’, it what it was,” he breathed.

She was waking up. She hadn’t been asleep, but she’d put her inhibitions to bed. And now, the dormitory full of worries and anxieties had started to lift their heads from their bunks. She realized that she was completely naked. He hadn’t said anything about her scars, so she had to hide them, quick. “Uhh, is my top over there?” she asked, realizing they had somehow switched sides of the bed. 

Finn lifted his head up to look at her, his brow furrowed a little in confusion. “Yeah, lemme see.” As he sat up to lean over and pick up her shirt, she scrambled to get under the sheet. He handed it to Rae, a little surprised she was covered, but he just shrugged and lifted his side of the sheet to join her. 

Rae stuck her arms through the sleeves of her shirt and pulled it on over her head. She glanced nervously over at Finn, who was smiling at her. 

“C’mere, girl,” he murmured, holding his arm out for her to lean on his shoulder. 

She gave him a wary stare for a moment before sighing and leaning her head on his chest. He wrapped his arm around her shoulders, bringing her a little closer, while his other hand played with a strand of her hair. 

They lay there like that, quiet and mostly content, for a long moment. 

Rae broke the silence, as usual, to say, “Just so you know … I’ve never done … that … so fast. Just, I hope you don’t think I’m … whatever.”

Finn twisted his neck to look at her. “I don’t think you’re … whatever.” He kissed the top of her head, and said, “And, just so’s you know, I don’t … I haven’t done … this … with someone so fast, either.”

Rae pulled the sheet a little closer, but laughed as she said, “At least you didn’t try any of that Andrew Marvell shit.”

“Huh? Who’s he?” His voice sounded slightly sharp. 

“He is some 17th century—18th century?—poet who wrote a sonnet or something that basically says that we’re all gonna die, so we might as well shag in the meantime. Only, y’know, more poetic than that.”

Finn smiled, but didn’t say anything. 

“I think it goes, ‘Had we but world enough and time’ … and then, something about ‘time’s wingéd chariot?’ Basically, that this girl should do it with him before she dies a virgin and the worms go to town on her.” 

Finn remained silent, but Rae could tell his brain was working overtime. 

“What’s up, sir? You’ve gone very quiet. Not that you’re the chattiest person to begin with, but …”

He wasn’t smiling anymore. He actually looked sad. 

“Hey, seriously, what’s wrong?” Rae scooted up to see his face properly, and reached out to stroke his cheek. 

“It’s daft. I’m daft.” He bit his lip and looked down at his hands. 

“I bet neither of those things are true,” Rae said. 

“I just—time. We don’t have much of it.”

“Well, that’s true. Of almost everyone, I suspect.”

“I’m serious, Rae. Like … fuck. I dunno how—or if …” he trailed off, balling his fists up in his lap.

Rae reached out to put her hand on his. “So, let’s make the most of what we’ve got, yeah?” She’d been trying to resign herself to the temporary nature of all of this, but it seemed that maybe Finn hadn’t. He seemed genuinely upset, but Rae knew that it was for the best. The longer she spent with him, the greater the probability of her fucking something up, saying something wrong, or … It was easier to have a perfect week than worry all the time about things going to shit.

Rae looked over at the clock by Finn’s bed. 2:00 PM. A few more hours before she had to go back to work. When she looked back at Finn, he was looking at the clock, too, a mixture of anger and sadness in his eyes. 

“I wish we didn’t even have to look at the clock,” he muttered.

Rae nodded solemnly. Yesterday had been amazing. They hadn’t noticed the time all day until Rae asked at 6:00. That was probably the longest she’d gone without knowing the precise time since was too young to tell it. She leaned over and kissed him on the corner of the mouth. “I can’t believe  _I’m_  the one using Andrew Marvell, but … I remembered the last bit of that poem: ‘Though we cannot make our sun stand still, yet we will make him run.’”

Finn blinked at her, trying to work out what that meant for them. “So … ?” he asked.

“So …” Rae raised her eyebrows suggestively and said, “Round two?”


	6. Chapter 6

_Round Two_  as Rae had jokingly put it, ended in a metaphorical mutual KO punch. They had shagged each other senseless. Rae’s top had come off once again, and they had switched sides of the bed. Rae was a spent force, slumped on her side and turned away from Finn, and he had his arm draped over her, hand resting on the space just below and between her breasts. Their heavy-breathing had evened and slowed; they were almost breathing in unison. 

Rae squeezed her eyes shut, wondering if when she opened them, she’d be back in Stamford, having hallucinated the past three days, hell, the past three weeks. Just then, she felt Finn place a kiss on her shoulder, and squeeze her a little tighter. She tensed, then relaxed, a sigh of contentment escaping her lips. 

She wanted to ask him a million questions, like how many girls he’d done this with before (she’d only been with Liam), if he had a girlfriend (because she realized they’d never covered that topic), how she was (though she was pretty sure he quite liked it). But she bit her lip and counted to ten under her breath instead to keep herself from asking, and hoped he didn’t hear.

“What happens when you get to ten?” he whispered in her ear, his humid breath causing her to shiver; his words causing her to blush.

“N-nothin’. Just … count sometimes.” She twisted her head to bury her face in the pillow, feeling caught out.

Finn wriggled forward to close the gap she created between them, whispering in her ear again. “Count to ten again, but this time, turn around.” She wrenched her head off the pillow to look at him with bewilderment.  _What is he on about?_

“What are you on about?”

“Just …” he used his hands to beckon her to flip over and face him. 

She clutched the sheet as tight as she could over her chest to keep herself covered, then twisted as daintily as possible to face Finn. His face was so beautiful it hurt to look at it, so she dropped her gaze to his collarbone, which was another kind of gorgeous altogether. 

“Go ahead,” he whispered.

Was he making fun of her? Did he know why she counted? Did he have a nutter cousin in his family tree? She flicked her gaze briefly back up to see his expression, only to find his face radiating innocence. So, fine. She’d humor him.

Rolling her eyes, she started to count. “One, two, three, four … ” This was actually helping a little. “five, six, seven, eight, nine, te—“ Finn cut her off by pressing his lips to hers. Rae’s eyes flew open for a brief second before they fluttered closed as she deepened the kiss, settling in.

When they pulled back, Rae murmured, “Well! Can I expect that every time I start to count?”

Finn shrugged. “If I’m around, yeah, probably.”

“Okay. Good to know.” She smiled and leaned forward to put her forehead against that curve where his neck met his shoulder. His arms wrapped around her to pull her in closer to him. After an indeterminate number of minutes had passed, Rae cautiously lifted her head to peer across Finn at the clock radio. “Shit. I’m sorry; I know. I wish I didn’t have to check the time, either, but … it’s almost four.”

Finn pulled his entire lower lip between his upper teeth, and started to worry it nervously. “But ya don’t need to be back until five, right?”

“No, but … I should probably get a shower, you know. This is a pretty messy activity.” Oh, how true that was on every level.

“So, take a shower here.” He raised his eyebrows fractionally. “Maybe I’ll—”

“You won’t,” Rae declared, her decision immediate and emphatic.

“What?” Finn asked. He hadn’t even finished his thought.

“You’re not—I don’t share showers. Sorry. It’s not you; I just … can’t.”

“Oh. Well. That’s fine, I s’pose.” He looked a little put out, but she kissed him on the corner of the mouth and said, “I’ll be quick.” She looked around for her clothes, knowing it would look supremely odd for her to put them on just to take them off a minute later in the loo. So, she gathered everything up and draped the pile across her front, edging around the bed, keeping her front to Finn, who was watching her with a smile, until she slipped in to the en suite.

Inside, she slumped against the wall, sighing. She used a hair elastic from her jeans pocket to pull her hair into a high ponytail and took a lukewarm shower, trying to cool down. When she was done, she poked her head out of the shower stall looking for a towel.

When she was dry and dressed, Finn took a minute to make himself presentable. When he came out of the bathroom in just a towel, with water droplets clinging to his chest and shoulders, sparkling on the ends of his hair, he looked like some sort of dream and Rae contemplated a Round Three, but somehow restrained herself. She used the mirror over the desk to put in her earrings back in, and Finn (now dressed) sidled up behind her and kissed her neck. She smiled slyly and turned to meet his lips with hers. She started walking backwards towards the door, and Finn pulled away, giving her a right face. She could have sworn he was pouting.

“Come on, then, walk me back.” She held out her hand, and the two of them meandered back to Hotel Hammamet II. This time, they didn’t even notice the girls by the pool. 

“What time will you be done?” Finn asked.

“Umm, not sure. Probably not before ten.” 

He gave her a pained look in response.

“Sorry!” she said. 

“Okay, you can make it up to me.”

“How?”

“Did you bring a swimsuit?”

“I am NOT comin’ over to swim in that pool.”

“No! No, I just thought, maybe … we could go for a dip. At night. In the sea.”

“Oh, like, Nightswimming?” Rae smirked, then started worrying. “Well, I dunno.”

“You don’t know if you brought a bathin’ suit?”

“No, I did, but …” Her mum had insisted, slipping it back into her case every time she took it out. Thinking about wearing it in front of Finn … now it was her turn to wear a pained expression.

“Rae … I’ve seen, y’know … I know what ya look like. If that’s what you’re worried about, don’t be.”

“Oh, no! Well …”

“We’ve been out there three nights, yeah? And how many people have we seen?”

Rae bit her lip.

“Yeah, not many.” Rae looked down at her hands. 

“You can’t come to the Mediterranean for the summer and never swim in it.” He leaned over to kiss her cheek. “Well, think about it, anyway. I’ll see you later.” He started to walk away and Rae looked up to watch him leave. He paused, turned back, and rushed over to give her a quick, tight hug that surprised her. 

He let go of her and started to jog back to his hotel. “Ten o’clock!” he shouted over his shoulder.

Rae grinned, rolling her eyes, and turned on her heel to check in with Karim about the dinner shift. 

Pamela was waiting for her in the dining room, sitting at a table, quietly drumming her fingers next to the water glass.

“Karim and Safira had to go to the hospital together. So, we’re on our own for dinner … and we’ve got to watch the sprogs, as well.”

Rae furrowed her brow.  _They both went to the hospital?_  That couldn’t be good.

“Oh, okay. I’ll go and get changed. We can put the girls at a table in the corner with their coloring books and toys, yeah?”

“Sure, sounds good.” Pamela seemed subdued, but she rallied enough to raise an eyebrow and ask, “So, how was your afternoon, Rachel? Get up to anythin’ interestin’?” She nudged Rae’s side with her elbow as they walked along the hall to their rooms.

Rae swallowed the spontaneous smile that bloomed at the memory of that afternoon. “Uh, yeah. You could say it was interestin’.” She unlocked the door and Pamela was at her heels, following her into her room. “Oh, well, come on in,” she remarked sarcastically.

Pamela flopped onto Rae’s bed. “Spill, Earl.”

Rae sighed. “This feels weird.”

“I don’t care! You owe me  _something_.”

“I thought  _you_  owed  _me_  for covering for you for weeks.”

“Don’t confuse me with the facts … how was … y’know … everythin’?” Pamela waved her hands about, to urge Rae to share.

“Oh, god …” Rae groaned. “I don’t even know where to begin. I didn’t plan on it, but … we … y’know?”

“You actually did the deed? GOOD ON YA, YA DIRTY BITCH!”

Rae shushed her. “Jesus, Pamela, do ya want the whole hotel knowing I got laid?”

“Maybe,” she grinned. “So, it was good, yeah?”

“Uh, yeah. Yeah.” Rae closed her eyes. “Yyyyeeeaah.”

“Oh, wow, it WAS good.”

Rae sighed. “Well, I mean, I don’t have a lot to compare it to, but … it was amazin’.”

“You seein’ him after dinner?”

“Yeah, I think so. Maybe. Probably.”

Pamela stared at Rae for a long moment.

“What?” Rae asked. “Do I have somethin’ on my face?”

“Nah, yer alright. I was just thinking I’d like ta twat all the people who’ve made ya so cautious and careful. And I’d like ta give that Finn a big hug for wakin’ ya up a bit.”

“Huh?” 

“Just … enjoy this, yeah? You absolutely deserve it.”

“Well, I dunno abou’ that.” Rae squirmed at the thought of deserving anything as nice as the afternoon she’d just had, of deserving anyone as lovely as Finn.

Pamela blinked at her. “I do.” She stood up and patted Rae on the shoulder. “See ya in a bit.”

* * * * *

It was a slow night.

Rae spent much of it in the corner entertaining the girls, wondering when Karim and their mother would return. At nine, she raised her eyebrows at Pamela to convey she’d be putting the girls to bed. The other waitress nodded that she would be fine.

The three of them walked down the hall to the suite Safira and the girls made home. Rae had worked out that Safira’s husband had emigrated to France three years ago, and she’d moved back in with her parents as a temporary measure, but was still here. Karim’s father hadn’t really gotten sick until the fall, not long after Karim and Linda had come back to get married. It was hard to figure out all the ins and outs of Karim’s family when his mother was barely around, she’d never met his dad, and most of the conversations Karim and his sister shared were in French or Arabic, or a combination of the two.

Rae helped Kashira take off the fairy wings she insisted on wearing everywhere. She pointed to the shelf of books, indicating Sarina should choose one for her to read to them. When the older girl handed her Snow White (Blanche Neige), she nodded and pointed to her own teeth, and mimed brushing them.

When the girls had cleaned their teeth, changed for bed, and were settled under their thin blankets, Rae read to them in halting French. Sarina giggled when she mispronounced something, but before she’d finished half the story, both girls were asleep. She switched off the lamp between their beds and came back out to the dining room. 

Pamela nodded toward the same bloke from last night sitting at a table, lingering over his cocktail. Rae rolled her eyes slightly. She came and leaned against the wall next to Pamela, surveying the nearly empty dining room.

“So, it’s probably bad, yeah?” Rae said, barely asking the question.

“Yeah, I think so.” Pamela sighed.

Rae tipped her head back to look up at the ceiling, exhaling a long breath. “This sucks.”

“Yeah. It does.” 

“I’ll—I’ll tell Finn I need to watch the girls, if he comes.”

“You won’t.”

“Huh?”

“First, he’s comin’, and second, I’ll watch the girls. They’ll still be sleepin’; how hard could it be? I’ve got little cousins at home—you’re not the only one who’s good with kids.” Pamela nudged her with her shoulder.

“But—I feel like I should be here. Like, what if Karim comes back?”

“He’ll probably want to go straight to bed, Rae. There’s nothin’ either of us can do, nothin’ anyone can do, really.”

Rae sighed and bit her lip. “I expect you’re right.”

“Yeah. It’s gets tirin’ being right all the time.” She gave Rae a sad slow smile. “So, once we clear this guy out and finish the dinin’ room, you’re goin’ out to meet Finn. I will brook no argument.”

Rae couldn’t help but smile in response. “Fine. I guess you’re right. I can’t do anythin’. I’ve never even met Karim’s dad.” She just now realized this. It felt like she had, almost like she knew him, from the lives around his absence. She could imagine a stooped, gray-haired man, with a wiry beard and small cap sitting at the dinner table or standing behind the check-in desk. She’d seen a couple of photos, and had imagined what his voice sounded like, but it was all in her head. 

Ten o’clock came, and Pamela rousted the lonely bloke from his table. They pulled the tablecloths, laid new ones, and took the bus tubs back to the kitchen. Nasim grimaced as they set the dirty dishes next to the sink, but Pamela just shrugged and said, “It could be worse, mate.”

When they emerged from the kitchen, Pamela said, “Go get yourself ready; I’ll check in on the girls.”

In her room, Rae took a few deep breaths. Was she really going to put on her swimsuit and meet Finn on the beach? She’d put some clothes on over top and maybe he’d forget about his suggestion. She knew that wasn’t bloody likely, and wondered at herself that she could get carried away by lust and basically reveal herself completely, yet get shy about being in a bathing suit in the dark.

It all had to do with the circumstances. And she worried that if Finn wasn’t about to have sex with her, he’d find her body disgusting. She wondered if he only liked her because he met her on her own. Like, if she were in proximity to another girl, like Chloe or someone, he’d probably choose anyone else. But because she was on her own, in a vacuum, she seemed alright. Good enough for a shag on vacation, at least.

These were the thoughts that consumed her brain as she wandered to beach. She left her towel on a chaise and looked up the beach towards Finn’s hotel. It was 10:15, and he wasn’t here. She hadn’t thought he wouldn’t show. Maybe her fears were being realized. He’d gotten what he wanted, and was wooing another girl as she waited like a dope on the beach. She sunk into the cool sand and clenched her fists, willing herself not to cry.

A moment later, she heard someone breathing heavy as they jogged up. 

“Sorry I’m late,” Finn breathed. “I … I’m just sorry I’m late.” He deftly lowered himself to sit next to her in the sand, and grabbed her fist, threading his fingers through hers. 

“Oh, no problem!” Rae said in a high voice. She cleared her throat and blinked rapidly, happy that the moon hadn’t risen too high in the sky. She looked over at Finn, feeling unaccountably shy, and was met by his lips. They kissed for a long moment and when they came up for air, she wondered at the curative powers of his mouth. She finally saw what he was wearing, an old t-shirt and some swim trunks. He hadn’t forgotten.

“Did you forget somethin’?” he asked, mischief in his voice. 

Rae sighed. “No.” She looked over her shoulder towards the hotel, then glanced around them to see if anyone else was nearby. There was a couple walking away from them, in the direction of the public beach, and Rae could see a fire with a dozen or so people sitting ‘round it, but it was in the distance. 

“I’m not tryin’ to … I mean, if you’re afraid to swim or whatever …” Finn furrowed his brows and chewed the inside corner of his mouth.

Rae smiled weakly. “I’m not afraid to swim. In fact, when I was a kid, you couldn’t get me out of my swimsuit. I went everywhere in it, all summer long.”

Finn’s expression shifted from worry to curiosity. 

“Of course, after the fifth, or more likely the fiftieth, time someone called me a beached whale … I decided it was time to hang up my swimming costume.” She scoffed under her breath and didn’t dare to look over at Finn. She shouldn’t have said anything. It wasn’t like he was blind, but she didn’t need to point out her flaws with neon arrows.

“People are fuckin’ bastards,” Finn said quietly. His hand squeezed hers tightly. 

She squeezed his hand in return. “Yeah, some are.” She then let go as she stood up. He looked up at her, the worry returning, but his face relaxed as she pulled her shirt off over her head. Her hands hesitated on the button at her waist, but she took a deep breath and undid them, letting her jeans drop to her ankles, then stepped out of them and ran straight into the waves. 

“Oi! Wait up!” Finn scrambled to take his shirt off and tossed it on Rae’s clothes, running after her. 

The breeze from the sea felt electric on her skin. Every part of her felt awake, alive. When you cover yourself up for years, you forget how wonderful the feel of wind on your skin can be. She was in up to her ankles and kept wading until her knees were covered, up to her hips. It was a fairly shallow grade as she walked out, but when the water reached her waist, she turned around, the breeze fanning her hair out as she spun, the pieces around her face tickling her collarbone, her neck, her ears. 

The moon was setting and the water sparkled with the light from it, as well as from the hotels along the beach. 

She hadn’t heard Finn calling her name, the rest of her senses had been overwhelmed. When she turned, she saw he was a few feet behind her, not being able to go any faster than her in the surf. Just as he got close, she gave him a sly smile and tipped straight back, slipping under the surface of the water. 

She flipped over and started to swim, feeling as graceful as a mermaid, using her arms to pull herself through the gentle waves. Then she felt a hand on her ankle and shot up, even though she knew it must be Finn. 

“Oi!” she shouted, running her hands over her wet hair, slicking it back out of her face.

Finn lunged forward playfully and grabbed hold of her waist. He pulled her close, so their faces were mere inches away from one another. “What?” he whispered. “No fair gettin’ a head start.” 

“Hey, all’s fair in …” she didn’t finish the adage, but took a breath and said, “… swimming?”

The water was now just under her breasts; she was very aware that her suit didn’t have much support in that area, so she bent her knees a bit and cover them, but Finn pulled her even closer to stand again. The water was that perfect summer temperature, just a little cool to start with, but then it seemed to match the warmth of her skin, reaching a kind of thermal equilibrium. Though she was still standing, it felt like she was floating, suspended in mid air. Finn’s breath was hot on her lips, and she once again tipped her head back, eyes closing like that doll she had when she was little. Then, she could feel his hand cradling the back of her head, the base of his palm on her neck, fingers snaking up into her hair, gently guiding her face to his. She felt that warm breath again, but he didn’t kiss her, so she opened her eyes, to find him staring back at her, almost pleading. What did he need her to do? She inhaled and then slowly leaned her head forward to touch her lips to his. He sighed into her mouth as she did, and she shivered down to her toes. 

This kiss was entirely different to the fervor and frenzy they’d experienced in his room earlier. Those kisses had fairly sizzled with heat and need. They hadn’t been enough to satisfy. These were slow and lazy; the desire was there, but not the urgency. The nerve endings in her lips and tongues tingled with pleasure. Rae had never been kissed so sweetly; she didn’t ever want it to end, but she figured Finn must be getting bored. He’d surely want more of what they did earlier … Chloe had explained it to her when she and Liam started sleeping together, “You can’t retreat. Once something’s on the table, you can’t take it back. And guys always want the most they can get.”

Rae pulled her head back slowly and kept her eyes narrowed to gauge his reaction, but was surprised to see Finn’s eyes were still closed, lips pursed. It took him a moment to blink his eyes open. He had a foggy look about him, like he’d just woken from a dream. 

Rae let her eyes open wide, blinked slowly, and she heard Finn whisper, “Everythin’ okay?” He reached up and ever so gently ran his knuckles along the outside of her cheek, his eyes searching hers for a sign of what she was feeling. 

“Yeah,” she whispered. “Absolutely okay.”

“Well, good,” he said, as he leaned around to kiss her just under her ear. Then he dropped another on her neck and two more in the vicinity of her collarbone. But then he came back to her mouth, for a long, lingering moment, his right hand resting on her left hip, his left hand still tangled in her hair. Their breaths didn’t come heavy, but were shallow instead, until one or both of them had to take in a deep lungful of air to compensate, sighing before returning to their kissing.

Rae smiled against his mouth, then put her palm against his bare chest, pushing him back a bit. His face clouded with confusion. 

“No, I—it’s not that I’m not enjoyin’ this. Just … it’s been a long time since I swam.” She raised an eyebrow and glanced over at the open water. Then, they both plunged forward into the sea. Rae felt the currents flow around her as she kicked her legs and lifted her arms through the waves. When she went to stand, she found she was in a deep pocket. Her feet didn’t touch and as she dipped down to try and find the sandy bottom, a cold current chilled her toes and she spluttered on the surface.

She was just about to drift herself closer to land, when she felt Finn’s arm circle her waist and pull her along with him to a spot where they could stand.

“You alright?”

Rae ran her hand over her face, blinking water droplets off of her lashes, and nodded. “Yeah, yeah. Thanks, though.”

“Are ya havin’ fun?” he asked, pulling her in for an embrace. Rae draped her arms over top of his shoulders and leaned forward to whisper, “Hmmm. ‘Fun’ might not be the word for this, but it’s good. I’m … this is good.”

“Well, that’s … good, then.” Finn smiled, looking almost relieved.

Rae let go and kicked her legs up to float on the gentle waves. Finn looked her up and down, biting his lip. Then, he leaned back and tried to float next to her. His elbows jutted out and his feet stuck up too high, trying to compensate for his sinking midsection. Rae grabbed his hand and pulled him close to her side. “Stick with me, kid. I can float for days.”

He laughed and said, “I’m not goin’ anywhere.”

They both giggled as Finn clutched at her arm to stay above water.

After some more swimming and kissing, Rae decided, reluctantly, to go back to shore. It was getting late and she had to work all day tomorrow. She suddenly felt awkward again, lumbering toward land, legs heavy as they dragged through the surf, with each step losing a little of the litheness she’d felt in the water. 

Finn jogged over to get their towels and brought Rae hers, draping it over her shoulders, rubbing the thin fabric against her upper arms to warm her. Rae sat on the edge of a chaise, pulling the towel tight around her, shivering in the cool evening air. Finn slid into the space next to her, his towel looped loosely around his neck.

“Thanks,” she said.

“What? Y’don’t need to thank me. Thank  _you_  for comin’ out.”

Rae smiled. “Okay, then. You’re welcome, I guess?” 

Finn smiled back, then looked at his hands, his smile fading a bit. “I, uh, guess we won’t be seeing each other tomorrow?”

Rae cleared her throat. “Well, it’s Pamela’s day off. And …”

Finn looked back, curious, waiting to hear the ‘and’. 

“… and I think Karim’s father is pretty bad. Both he and his sister went to the hospital tonight. They usually go in shifts … I think maybe …”

Finn nodded. “I … yeah. I knew things were gettin’ bad with my nan when my uncle came down and he and my dad were at the hospital together. I mean, I could see she was gettin’ worse before that, but … it was like, what made me KNOW.”

Rae reached out to squeeze Finn’s hand. “Yeah. So … I jus’ don’t know.”

Finn nodded again. “I have to go wi’ me mum and Sophia tomorrow. She was … she was pretty mad I skipped out on today. We had a bit of a row before I came over tonight.”

Rae squeezed his hand harder and scooted over to press her side against his. “Sorry,” she whispered.

“It’s not your fault; I jus’ don’t know what she wants from me. One minute, it’s like I’m in their hair, botherin’ them, an’ the next I’m not joinin’ in enough.” He sighed and leaned his head against Rae’s, sliding his arm around her back.

“That must be really tough; not knowin’ what she expects of ya.” Rae leaned in a little more, and felt Finn’s hand squeeze against her waist.

“Tomorrow night? After dinner? We’ll meet on the beach like usual, at least?” Rae could feel the hope in his voice, and didn’t know how to feel about the fact that she seemed to be something that Finn needed. She nodded against his head in response. 

“Okay, then,” Finn said, pulling her into a hug. When he let her go, he looked into her eyes, one corner of his mouth pulled up into a half smile. He leaned in for a kiss and Rae met him halfway. 

A moment later, Finn was walking backwards, waving his good night, Rae doing the same towards the hotel. She turned around to make sure she didn’t trip, but was still under the spell of that night, smiling to herself as she ambled down the hall. When she got to her door, Pamela stuck her head out. “Have fun, Raemundo?” she asked in stage whisper.

“I never should’ve told ya abou’ that nickname.”

“Too late now. How was it? Did ya get up to any aquatic … acrobatics? Antics? What would ya call it, gettin’ your jollies in the Med?” 

“I don’t know, because we didn’t,” Rae replied, exasperated.

“Oh, well, I’m very sorry for the insinuation, your Majesty!” Pamela mock-whispered and put her hands up in mock-offense. 

“Why’re you bein’ so quiet? Well, I mean, quiet for you.”

Pamela pulled her head into her room to look at something. When her face reappeared, she hissed, “I’ve got that sad bloke from Table 7 in here.”

“Not the last dog in the shop?” Rae asked, incredulous.

“Weeelllll, he was so … I dunno, pathetic? I couldn’t have him goin’ home to Peterborough without havin’ had a little fun on his holidays.”

Rae shook her head. “You’re a soft touch, Pamela. One of these days one of these strays is gonna get attached … be careful.”

Pamela shrugged. “They’re all on vacation; no one’s here for long enough to get attached.”

A pang gripped Rae’s heart when she heard Pamela’s very correct assessment of holiday entanglements. She felt attached already; she had to remain … aloof? De-tached? Something. She had to save herself, and maybe Finn, too, from unnecessary heartbreak. It was good he wouldn’t be by tomorrow. She’d have time to work on what to say. On how to extricate herself from his affections. She drew herself up to her full height and said, “Well, exactly, yeah. So long as they know that, you’ll be alright.” Then she sighed and said, “G’night, Pamela. Sweet dreams!”

“You, too, ya little minx!” Pamela whispered before shutting her door. Rae shook her head and slid the key into the lock of her door. She opened it and was about to pull the door shut when she heard a voice down the hall call her name. 


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this … yeah. My fun, light-hearted vacation fic got serious. I hope you find something to enjoy, but we have another chapter and a bit to go. I don’t want to apologize for this, but I will warn you that there is some talk of death and dying, if you are sensitive about that stuff.

“Rachel.” 

Her name sounded heavy in Karim’s mouth. She turned to see him standing at the end of the hall, shoulders stooped, head pitched forward.

Rae hastily shoved her room key in her pocket and rushed down the hall to see if he was alright.

He wasn’t. 

“Karim! How—how is your father?” She winced at her own question; she knew the answer was bad, she just didn’t know how bad.

Karim sighed deeply. “He is still with us, but not much longer, I think.”

Rae put her arm around him and led him into the dining room, sitting him down at a table near the door. Karim slumped his elbow onto the table, his face into his hand.

Rae hovered near him, not knowing what to do. Should she pat his shoulder? Mutter some platitudes? Finally, she asked, “Can I get you anythin’? Maybe somethin’ from the bar?” She’d seen Karim drink whiskey before, at home in Stamford a few times, and once after back to back shifts at the hotel. When he nodded, she slid behind the bar, pulled a tumbler from the shelf, added a couple of cubes of ice, and poured a little of the potent amber liquid over them. She glanced at her step-father, who looked like he’d been deflated and draped over the chair, and added another glug to the glass.

She set the drink in front of him, pulled out the chair across the table, and sat. She still didn’t know what to say, but knew from losing Tix, from those visits to the hospital where her friend was so still and so quiet as she slowly slipped out of the world, that nothing she could say would help.

“Thank you, Rachel.” Karim took a swig and grimaced, then sat forward in his chair, the liquor seeming to revive him a little. He let out another deep sigh.

“You should get some rest,” Rae offered.

Karim nodded, his mind clearly absent. “Yes. I will sleep soon. I just … Safira stayed. I should see if the girls are okay.”

“I put them to bed a couple of hours ago, and Pamela checked on them, too. I can peek in on them again; but I’m sure they’re still sound asleep.” 

Karim’s eyes were suddenly watery, and Rae moved around the table to put her hand on his shoulder. “Hey, it’s okay. I mean … I know it’s not, but you don’t have to worry about stuff ‘round here. We’ll … keep things goin’, yeah?”

Karim nodded, a tear slipping down his cheek. “You are good. I am glad you are here. I … miss your … I miss Linda. And little Jasmine. I wish …” His head dropped forward. Rae understood. She was a poor substitute for his real family. But, she was all he had in this moment, and she wasn’t going anywhere. “Hospitals are … terrible places. Even if …” Karim trailed off. Rae wondered if he was thinking about the last time he’d sat vigil; when her mum was on the brink after having Jasmine.

Karim reached up to pat her hand. “Thank you. Thank you, Rachel. Can you, would you come, tomorrow? To hospital?”

Rae furrowed her brow. “I … I s’pose so. It’s Pamela’s day off, though.”

He nodded. “We will close for lunch. It is not so busy then, and I want … I hope you can meet him.”

“Sure, absolutely.” Rae nodded and stood up. “It’s late. I’m gonna get some sleep. You should, too, yeah?”

Karim smiled weakly. “I will.” He thanked her again, and Rae looked over her shoulder to see him take another sip of his drink before staring into the distance. 

She unlocked the door to the girls’ room and poked her head inside; Kashira had gotten out of her bed and joined Sarina in hers, the two of them holding onto each other in their sleep. Rae smiled at the sweet scene and pulled the door shut quietly, making sure the door was locked.

In her room, Rae knew she wouldn’t be able to sleep without a distraction. She flipped through her music and landed on the Cat Stevens Greatest Hits tape she’d dubbed from the album at home. The one that she brought just because it sounded soothing and her mum used to play the album when she was little. As much as she hated the Boyzone version of Father and Son, the original was actually pretty good. It made her think of Karim and his father and how their relationship was approaching its end. Moonshadow always made her feel something she couldn’t name, something to do with knowing how much worse things could be, how much worse they almost  _were_. 

There weren’t many love songs, which is just what Rae wanted. To not think about Finn every moment and to not fall asleep dreaming of him. She needed to be strong, if she could, and be there for Karim and forget about Finn. Tell him it was nice and wish him a good life. Kiss him goodbye and keep him as a memory. She curled onto her side and squeezed her eyes shut, and in a few moments, she drifted off to sleep, the sound of acoustic guitar strumming in her ears.

* * * * *

The next morning, Rae got ready as fast as she could. She pulled her hair back and skipped the make-up. She stared at her reflection in the mirror for a moment, eyes unfocusing as her mind slipped sideways, thoughts of Finn mixing with concern for Karim and his family. 

She wanted her mum. 

She wanted a friend. 

She counted to ten instead.

* * * * *

In the dining room, she moved from table to table on auto-pilot. Things were building up inside her. They weren’t as bad as they were last Spring. But she had learned more than who Buster Keaton was in her therapy sessions with Kester. She’d learned the signals of when she was approaching the edge, so that she could do something to stop herself almost falling over it again. 

This thing with Finn was supposed to be fun, but she didn’t know how to have that kind of fun, how to keep things light. And she knew Karim’s father was ill, but just how ill didn’t really occur to her until these last few days. She breathed deeply, counting as she made the guests their coffees. The machine was around the corner from the dining room, and she didn’t fear being found there, having her quirk exposed. 

All too soon, breakfast was over. Rae took a deep breath, but breathed out slowly, remembering that if she took too many deep breaths she could end up hyperventilating. Karim caught her eye and nodded with a quizzical look on his face. They’d had to communicate without words so often when he was learning English that she knew he was asking if she was okay, if she was sure she was ready, if she was sure she still wanted to come. She shrugged in response, and in that shrug was ‘yeah, I’m alright’ ‘guess I’m about as ready as I’ll ever be’ and ‘I don’t really want to come but you want me to and that’s good enough for me’. 

* * * * *

They took a taxi to the hospital. It was a short cab ride, but would have been almost an hour’s walk. Neither of them said aloud the thought that they didn’t have that hour to waste. 

Walking past the overly bright waiting area, Rae followed Karim’s fast clip. He’d taken this route nearly every day for a month. They took the lift up three floors and Rae started to feel this hollow, fluttery sensation in her gut. She counted. She kept breathing. These were the only things she could think to do.

When they got to the ward where Karim’s father was, Safira was sitting in a chair pulled up to her father’s bedside, holding onto his hand with both of hers. As they approached the bed, she glanced over, eyes bleary from lack of sleep. Their mother sat dozing in a chair on the other side of his bed. Safira lifted her left hand up, still holding on to her father’s with her right, and silently shushed Karim and Rae. 

“She just fell asleep; don’t wake her,” she whispered. 

Karim nodded and Rae just widened her eyes, too nervous even to nod, in case the motion somehow awakened the old woman. 

Their father’s eyes were closed, his mouth open, jaw slack. His skin was almost gray, and dry like parchment. He looked nothing like the photos Rae had seen around the hotel. If she didn’t know better, she’d think he’d already passed. However, as Karim walked over to touch his father gently on the arm, the old man’s eyes blinked slowly open. Safira let go his hand and turned to lift the cup of water with a bended straw sticking out of it to his mouth. He took a tiny sip, Rae could see individual drops of water travel up the clear straw. He was weak from fighting. 

Karim leaned over to whisper something to his father, who used the last strength in him to lift his eyebrows and shift up in the bed and inch or two. Karim turned to wave Rae over closer. He murmured something in Arabic to his father, and Rae recognized her name in and amongst the other syllables. She let a half smile ghost across her face, as she nodded a reverent greeting. The old man tipped his head forward, his eyes closing in a slow motion acknowledgement. 

Rae furrowed her brow at the same time she tried to muster a smile, making her look more worried than anything. Karim murmured, “He’s just saying hello. I told him you were my oldest daughter.”

Rae’s breath caught at the top of her throat. Not his wife’s daughter, or his step-daughter … he called her his oldest daughter. Tears sprang to her eyes, and in the next instant one of the machines hooked up to the old man started beeping insistently. A nurse came over to check it, and gave him a shot of something before calling the doctor over from the other end of the ward. The pair conversed in hushed tones for a moment, and then the doctor turned to speak to Karim and Safira. Rae watched as they all three turned to look at the old woman asleep next to her husband. The doctor nodded gravely, and Safira went over to gently wake her. Karim joined Rae at the bedside and said, “The doctor wishes to speak to us all. Can you … will you stay with him? He … should not be alone.”

Rae nodded, knowing the fear in her heart must show in her eyes, so she kept them down, looking at back of the old man’s hand, marred by deep bruises where the IV was attached. He looked like he was asleep, chest almost imperceptibly rising and falling with his short, shallow breaths, so maybe she need not be afraid.

She peered over her shoulder, seeing the family be led into the hall by the doctor. When the door swung shut behind them, all Rae could see was the doctor’s face and his mask of professional concern in the window as he explained what was happening. A muffled sound of crying from the hall, it sounded like Safira, made Rae turn back to the bed. She focused her eyes on the old man’s face. She could hardly tell if he was still breathing. His oxygen mask was around his neck. It must have been removed sometime before they arrived. She glanced back to his face, willing him to hang on until Karim and Safira and their mother returned. “Hang on …” she whispered. Just then, his still face grew slack. The machine next to him emitted a high-pitched whine, and Rae grabbed his hand out of instinct. “No!” she said, panicked. “No, no!”

In the next moment, Karim’s hands were on her shoulders, pulling her away and into a hug. Safira and her mother held the man’s hands, crying. Rae felt tears tumbling down her own cheeks. It was daft. She’d just met the man and now he was gone. But she wasn’t crying for him, she was crying for Karim, for his sister, and mother, and nieces. For everyone who knew and cared about this man. For the fact that she was the one who saw him leave the world, and not them.

Karim took her out into the hall, and sat her down on a bank of plastic chairs, bolted to each other and to the wall. He looked into her eyes, made sure she looked into his before he left her. This was so absurd. He was trying to make sure  _she_  was okay, and his father had just died. “I will take you back … just give me a moment,” he said, rushing back to his family’s side.

This was utterly absurd. She’d thought the word and now she couldn’t stop thinking it.  _Go to Tunisia for the summer, Rae, you’ll have such a wonderful time,_  she heard the echo of her mum’s voice pleading with her all those weeks ago.  _Oh, I bet you’ll have a fantastic time, Rae. Well, knowing you, maybe not. It should be me, really_. Chloe had always been that kind of friend. _Tunisia? Wow, Rae, that’s really far away! I hope you have fun, but we’ll miss ya!_  Izzy had given voice to the uncomplicated feelings she had about the trip. 

However, once she got here, she hadn’t really missed home that much. Even before Finn appeared on the scene, she got to try on a different life, a different version of herself, see what she might have been like without being saddled with bags of bullshit. She wasn’t sure she was better here, wasn’t sure if she liked herself more, but she got the chance to reflect. Think about herself and how she was and how she might want to be. In Lincolnshire, all she could do was cope and survive. But all that deferred nostalgia, all came rushing in on her at once. She suddenly missed everything. Before she’d embarked on this trip to the hospital, she’d thought she wanted her mum, now that’s all she wanted. To be leaning back on her mum’s lap, those hands made soft by wear stroking her hairline, the kettle boiling in the kitchen. Sausage casserole and Lurpak on toast. The comforts of home, because there were some.

Karim pushed opened the door to the ward and came into the hall, slumped in defeat. This was how this was always going to end, but it ended sooner than anyone wished. Rae stood up and waited to see what Karim would do. He just stood there, and after a minute, Rae went to stand next to him, putting her arm around him. 

“Do you want to go back to hotel?” she asked. “Or do you need to stay here? I can find my way if you need to stay.”

He shook his head slowly. “No, I will take you back. I—I am sorry, Rachel. Sorry you had to see this.”

“It’s okay,” she rushed to say, wanting to be okay for Karim, since nothing else was. She could hardly process that she’d witnessed someone die. She hadn’t been there when Tix went; this was the first time she’d … she paused in the hall, shook her head and shivered. What if … what if … she shook her head again and walked quickly to catch up with Karim, who was moving swiftly back down the hall to the elevator.

The lift was hung up somewhere and Karim seemed impatient, tapping his foot, swinging his arm, wanting to be doing something, no doubt. Rae saw the sign for the stairs at the end of the hall, and pointed it out with a touch on his arm and a nod of her head. He immediately started walking and Rae had to trot to keep up with him. Down and around to the ground floor and out into the heat of the day. Karim scanned the street for cabs, holding his hand up to hail one. 

Once they were in the back of the car, Karim put his head in his hands and the cabbie looked at Rae inquiringly. 

“Hotel Hammamet, uh, Deux … s’il vous plait.” She put a hand on Karim’s shoulder and patted it, hoping that would comfort him. 

The ride was ten minutes long, but Rae felt like it had been an hour. She silently cursed every stop light, but when they got back, Rae handed the cab driver some money from her pocket. He nodded; it was enough. 

Inside the lobby, Rae said, “Karim, what can I do?”

Karim shook his head, one of his hands gripped the back of his neck. “Nothing, nothing.” He sighed. “I should go back. We need to … do … everything.”

He looked at the phone and hesitated for a moment. Rae became telepathic for a brief second. “I’ll call Mum. I’ll let her know what happened, and that you’ll call her with more … details, or whatever, later, yeah?”

Karim nodded gratefully. Just as started to go, he turned back to catch Rae in a quick hug. Then, he headed out into the bright hazy heat. Rae watched him walk away and then picked up the phone to dial home.

* * * * *

“So, what … what are we s’posed to do?” Pamela asked. She’d stopped Rae in the hall to ask what was up, having seen the “CLOSED FOR LUNCH” sign outside the dining room. 

“We’re supposed to carry on, I guess. The hotel is full. We can’t pay for the guests to be moved, even if there was a place to move them to. It’s busy season, there’s no way there are sixty rooms available on short notice.” Rae sighed.

“Well, I’ll tell Fred I have to work tonight.”

“Fred?” Rae asked, curious.

“Yeah, so what, he’s nice,” Pamela mumbled.

“Wait, so Fred is …”

Pamela shrugged and nodded and gave a sheepish roll of her eyes all at once.

“… that bloke from last night? The last dog in the shop?”

“Well, sometimes the last dog is the nicest, y’know?” 

Rae nodded, though she didn’t really. Maybe she was the last dog in the shop for Finn? Oh, shit. Finn.

* * * * *

Pamela and Rae handled the midweek dinner crowd easily. Rae had spent the two hours before her shift started thinking away. And she’d decided. She’d decided last night, but now she doubled-down. 

When the last table was cleared away (not including Fred, because he was staying to go out with Pamela after), Rae took the same journey she’d done nearly every night. It wasn’t far, just thirty yards or so to the beach. 

He was there, waiting for her. Seeing him made her pause, take a deep breath, renew her resolve.

When she padded up next to him, he looked over, his startled expression melting into a smile.

“Hey,” he said, leaning in to kiss her. She let him, but turned her head, so he kissed the corner of her mouth. 

“Hey,” she whispered.

The moon wasn’t up, barely a glow just below the horizon.

She had a whole script in her head, of what to say, but she ended up laughing under her breath. Then she counted in her head, because now he knew her tricks and would try to kiss her and she didn’t want that distraction as she pulled another one out of her hat. “Isn’t it funny to think, this only could have happened here.” 

Finn raised an eyebrow, not expecting her to say that, apparently. “What d’ya mean?”

“Well, I mean, if you’d come over to talk to me at one of those parties, I’m sure we wouldn’t have ended up … kissing, or … y’know.” She ducked her head and cleared her throat, looking at him out of the corner of her eye.

The eyebrow that had been raised dropped and knit itself with his other in frustration. “Why not?”

“Because … you can do things on vacation, away from home, that you normally wouldn’t do, yeah? Like …” She trailed off, clearing her throat, the word  _me_  echoing in her her head. She shouldn’t have started with this, she thought. She should have built to it.

“Rae, I don’t understand what you’re gettin’ at.”

She took a deep breath and exhaled. Might as well keep laying cards on the table. One-two-three-four-five-six-seven-eight-nine-ten of them. She’d been planning to do this anyway, but now she had a genuine silver bullet.

“Karim’s father died today.”

“Oh. Oh, no. I’m sorry.” He leaned forward and hugged Rae. “I’m so sorry.”

“Yeah. I …” She leaned back and took a deep breath. “I was the only one with him when it happened. The doctor took Karim and Safira and their mum out into the hall, and …” An unexpected sob swallowed her words.

“Oh, Rae …” Finn put his arm around her. She’d pulled away from their hug and he had to scoot closer to her. His hand rubbed her shoulder in a comforting way. Rae’s skin tingled under her shirt where he touched her, and she cursed her physiology. “I didn’t get to … I wasn’t there. Y’know, when my nan died. Chop, one of my mates, sorry, had some stupid party … why were there so many parties last summer? Anyway, I … I dunno.” 

Rae heard him sniff back his tears and she sighed. “What a fucked-up place the universe is. I meet an old man and the next minute see him die, and you know your nan your whole life and don’t get to be there when she goes.” She shook her head and drew her hand through the patch of sand between her and Finn. He caught her hand and held it, then threaded his fingers with hers and squeezed. “Nothing makes any sense,” she whispered, thinking that what made the least sense at the moment was Finn sitting there next to her, holding her hand because he wanted to, apparently. 

“So, you’re leaving Friday?” Rae asked hoarsely. She didn’t want to say what she had to say, but that was the rub with obligations.

Finn nodded, leaning his head onto her shoulder. 

“I—I think tonight will have to be goodbye, then,” Rae said the words quickly, evenly. She wanted them out of her mouth as quickly as possible.

Finn’s head shot up. “What? Why?” He sounded genuinely upset.

Rae looked at the dark horizon, the moon was set and there was only the faintest glow that illuminated the sky, making it barely a shade brighter than the dark sea. She didn’t dare look at Finn.

“Karim and his family have to make arrangements, and I have to be here to do whatever they need. Yeah, he’s my stepdad, but he’s the only dad who’s ever cared about me. I have—I can’t … I’m sorry.” The tear she shed earlier was joined by another.

Finn tightened his grip on her hand, like he didn’t want to let go. Rae willed him to say something. To say that it had been fun, or nice, or … anything.

He didn’t speak. So, she filled the silence. “I mean, obviously, I wish we could spend more time together, but we had fun, right?”

Finn still kept silent.

“Right? I mean … I had fun with you.” Rae finally chanced a glance at Finn, and his eyes were shining, his cheek sunken in from biting it so hard. 

“Oh, Finn … this was goin’ to happen anyway, right? You were always goin’ back to Leeds, and I’ll be startin’ back to college in six weeks.” She twisted around to hug him with her free arm, his grasp on her right hand still vice-like.

Finally, a sound escaped from him. “Yeah.” The word sounded hollow, and Rae felt that emptiness in her own heart. It was all true. This had always been temporary, and she had to be there for Karim. He’d done so much for her over the past year, even after she’d been so surly and treated him so shabbily at first. Those poor birds; she was ashamed to remember that day. She really hadn’t meant for them to die, but seeing the look on his face, of utter defeat, the memory made her withdraw from Finn, stand up, and walk to the edge of the water. 

She heard Finn sniff behind her, and clear his throat. A moment later he was standing next to her. “I’m sorry,” he whispered.

“Don’t be,” she whispered back.

“I just …” He shuffled his feet in the sand, reaching over and letting his forefinger trace across her elbow, along her arm, and around her wrist. “ I thought we had more time. I don’t know how to say goodbye to you.”

Rae’s breath caught in her throat. Why did this have to happen to her here, where it was  _always_ going to end? Why couldn’t she have met a Fred and had a one-off that didn’t mean anything? Why did her feelings have to get all tied up with and to another person? She hated herself for what she was about to say.

“Well, okay, don’t say goodbye then.” She smiled a smile that felt like it was cracking her in half. “I mean, maybe we’ll run into each other sometime, yeah? If you’re visiting Stamford, to see your dad or whatever.” She almost flipped her hair after that ‘whatever.’ She realized she was channeling Chloe, trying to be casual, cool. 

Finn nodded numbly. “Yeah. Yeah, maybe.” 

What else would Chloe do? Probably get another kiss off him, for good measure. Rae pulled him into an embrace, acting bolder than she felt, and leaned in to kiss him. Even Rae couldn’t mistake the conflicted emotions in Finn’s features before he met her lips with his. This kiss was so bittersweet, Rae almost wanted to spit it out. She pulled away first, despite being the one to initiate it, and didn’t want to meet Finn’s eye, but she did, anyway. 

Finn’s hands rested at her waist, her hands were on his shoulders. Neither of them seemed to want to let go of the other. 

Once again, Finn reached out with more than his hands. Though he did pull her a little closer, it was his words that touched her more: “I don’t want this to be the end.”

Rae kept an image of Chloe in her mind’s eye. “Well, like I said, I’m sure we’ll see each other again. It’s a small world, remember? We’ve got proof of that.” She smiled again; this one hurt her teeth, as she was gritting them tight.

“Yeah, but …” 

Her inner Chloe stamped her foot and shook her head. Time to make it clear. “Listen, Finn. I really like you. A lot. And, of course, a part of me would love to see you all the time. But I’m not naive. This is … was … what it was.”

Finn stepped back like he’d been burned, dropping his hands at his sides. “A  _part_  of you? Was?” He ran a hand through his hair. “Jesus. Okay.”

“What? I’m just being realistic. I have to be, or my heart would …”  _Fuck._  Her inner Chloe shook her head gravely. Big mistake. Don’t mention your heart. Don’t let him know you have one, if he thinks you don’t have one, he can’t break it.

Another shift in his posture, Finn stood up a little straighter, and looked Rae in the eye, daring her to look away first. She did.

“Okay,” he said again, his tone shifted again, this time it was clipped. “Maybe I will see you around, then. Me dad’s in the book. Nelson, John. Argyll Road.” He rocked forward onto the balls of his feet, but caught himself and apparently fought against the instinct that only a few days had instilled in him. He stuck his hand out for her to shake. She took it gingerly, her fingers trembling, betraying herself. “No goodbyes, just …”

“… until we meet again?” Rae said, trying to keep the sadness inside her out of her voice. She was the one ending this, the one who wanted a memory. She should remember that.

He nodded, and pulled his hand away. He turned and jogged back towards his hotel, pausing to raise his hand in a somber wave.

She watched him go until he was gone. 

“Well, fuck,” Rae breathed.

For something that wasn’t supposed to be a goodbye, this sure felt like one.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, this is the last “official” chapter. I hope you all enjoy it! There will be another little bit to come, but I’m hoping this seems a fitting ending even without the promise of more. 
> 
> This has been a crazy ride from that prompt a few months ago–I NEVER thought it would balloon into this, but I’m glad you all came along with me for the ride. Thank you all for your wonderful comments on each chapter! Everyone’s interest and support definitely was a great motivating factor, and I’m sorry this last part took longer than anticipated.
> 
> I don’t want to make too many caveats before posting this, but this has a different feel to me from the other chapters, and I had a hard time deciding how the end would happen, but after powering through the last part today and reworking bits of the rest, I finally feel at peace with it. 
> 
> Thanks, again!

Rae blinked awake. It was bright. Too bright. “Shit,” she muttered, realizing she must have slept in, and was late for the breakfast shift. 

It had taken her a long time to fall asleep. She kept replaying that conversation on the beach over and over in her mind. She didn’t know whether she wished she’d never gone out to the beach six days ago, or if she’d bitten her tongue last night. She just knew that everything was shit. But then, wasn’t that how it was supposed to be? Wasn’t that what she’d been conditioned to expect from life? She should be happy she’d gotten a few days filled with something like happiness. It was more than she expected and more than some people ever got.

There was a knock at the door, three sharp raps. 

She scrambled to sit more upright, cleared her throat, rubbed her eyes. “Uh, yeah! Sorry! I’m up! Be out in a sec!”

Another trio of knocks. 

Rae furrowed her brow and stood up, tugging on her t-shirt to make sure it covered her midsection. As she padded over to the door, she heard, “Rachel Earl! Answer this door!”

Rae pulled the door open, feeling thoroughly confused. “Mum?”

Before the door was fully open, her hand still on the inside handle, her mum had sprung forward to give her an awkward hug. 

“I caught a late night flight from Heathrow. Did you know that if you wait out the traffic, you can make the trip from our house to the Heathrow car park in one hour forty-five? I was shocked! By the way, Karim and Safira told me everything that you neglected to mention over the phone.” Rae seized up inside her mother’s embrace. What had they told her? What did they know? “I’m so sorry you had to be there for that, to see him go like that.” Rae relaxed into the hug. 

“Ohhh,” she breathed, trying to mask her relief. “I mean, it wasn’t too … well, it was pretty bad … but don’t … I’m fine. I just … I guess it was a long day. Didn’t mean to oversleep.”

Linda let go of Rae, but kept her hands on Rae’s shoulders. She scanned her daughter’s face for something, signs of distress? Maybe she was looking for tiny cracks not visible to someone standing back a bit, not really paying attention. Rae shifted her weight from her right hip to her left and glanced away before meeting her mother’s gaze. “Uh, where’s Jasmine? Did you bring her along?”

Linda nodded. “She’s with her cousins; they were trying to balance a plastic tiara on her head last I saw.” She crossed to Rae’s bed and perched on the end of it, running a hand across her forehead to catch the beads of sweat that had formed. “I’ll tell ya one thing; I’m absolutely knackered. That flight, tryin’ to keep your sister from actin’ up, and the last … well, I was goin’ to say the last few  _weeks_ , but it’s been months.” She shook her head, then looked up at Rae. “And I really think I am goin’ through the change now … I feel like I’ve been set on a low boil since about May. It can’t jus’ be the summer heat. Not even here!”

Rae’s arms were crossed in front of her unsupported chest, and she nervously snaked her right hand up to scratch the left side of her neck. “I’m sorry to hear that, Mum. Sorry you were all on your own all this time.”

Linda waved her hand dismissively. “Oh, it’s not really that big a bother. I do think I’ll try to have a lie down, though. I came straight off second shift and threw some things in a bag. The drive wasn’t that bad, but …” She started to drift off in the middle of her sentence, and Rae sprang forward to stop her from pitching forward off the bed. 

“Okay, Mum, let’s get you over to Karim’s room, yeah?” 

* * * * *

Once her mum was settled in, she got dressed quickly and came out to the dining room, only to see Pamela handling things. Pamela flashed her a look of concern, but Rae just shook her head. She was okay. She had to be okay. There wasn’t any reason she shouldn’t be okay, when other people around her had more important stuff going on. Finn’s face kept flickering in her mind’s eye, but she swatted it away like a pesky fly. 

The restaurant was closed for lunch and dinner that day, the funeral was set for that evening. Rae spent the afternoon playing with Jasmine, Sarina and Kashira while her mum, Karim and Safira talked in low voices in the corner of the dining room. Karim’s mother had been so upset that the doctor had prescribed her a sedative and she’d been sleeping through the planning. Rae was so distracted, she only stopped once to think that Finn must be on the plane back to England. 

Rae didn’t understand everything that was happening. She didn’t know that when Karim had gone straight back to the hospital it was to perform death rituals that have to take place immediately, or that Karim had called Linda and told her that if she wanted to be there for the funeral she had to leave that night. She was surprised by how fast everything was happening, but kept telling herself she had to keep it together for Karim, for her mum, for Jasmine, for the rest of Karim’s family. She stood in the second row of mourners at the funeral, but Linda’s hand reach forward to hold hers while prayers she couldn’t understand were said and rites were read. Rae offered to watch Jazz and her cousins while the rest of them went on to the burial.

And then, it seemed as if the days had fused together, passing in a blur. Her mum and Jasmine were leaving, and it seemed they had only just arrived. When she mentioned that to her mum, Linda said, “We’ve been her a week, love. Got to get back, bereavement leave on top of maternity leave doesn’t look great.”

Karim and Linda sat her down and asked if she wanted to fly back early. “We’ll understand if you do,” her mum said, with an uncharacteristically soft tone to her voice.

Rae sat up, shaking her head no. “Of course not! I’m fine.” 

“Are you sure about that?” her mum asked. “Would you like to see if Kester could do a phone session?” 

Rae started to shake her head again, but then she thought about how it had been about a month and a half since her last therapy session. Kester had given her a workbook with some exercises. Questions to prompt thoughtful answers, with philosophical passages from authors at the bottom of each page. Not the same as real therapy, but something he thought might help her get through the summer. He told her she’d made a lot of progress, and he was confident she’d have a good time. “Just … whenever you find yourself in a pattern of negative self-talk, picture yourself as a little girl, and soothe her. You’ll be soothing yourself.”

Rae hadn’t been paying proper attention to her thoughts. She was focusing on her family and keeping them together, and so far, that had helped her keep herself this side of sane, too. He’d be the first person she saw when she got back, but she was sure they couldn’t afford a fifty-minute long distance call. 

So, she breathed. 

Counted. 

Waited tables.

Cleared tables.

Joked with Pamela.

Listened to music (not Oasis). 

She told herself she was still better than she had been. 

She went night swimming. 

She let her mind drift out to sea.

She kept her head above water.

* * * * *

They were heading back a week early. Karim had gone to help Safira with the hotel while their father was in the hospital. Now he was gone, decisions were made, an interim manager hired, a new waitress taken on, but it sounded like Karim was going to have to make yet more decisions before long. But he was happy to be getting back to his wife and baby. 

On the flight back to London, Rae realized she’d never asked him why he took the risk to come to England.

“My father … we fight. The hotel, that was my … my father’s brother.” Karim shook his head, trying to reset, answer her question more clearly. “My father wanted Safira to stay with … Ghazi. Her husband. He was bad. He treat her bad, and I say so. We fight. And then, there was no job. No place for me. So, I leave.”

Rae nodded. She understood. If there’s no place for you, it’s hard to stay. 

“Things are bad in England, too, but then I meet Linda. She is so kind and …” He struggled for a moment to find the next word. “… Lovely. Special.”

Rae chuckled, remembering how her mum had described Karim to her last year. Quiet, kind, special. “But she’s not quiet, is she?” Rae quipped.

Karim raised an eyebrow in confusion. “No … I would not … no. Not quiet. More … alive.” He smiled at the thought of his wife and Rae smiled at his smile. 

* * * * *

Rae had successfully avoided Chloe and Izzy in the week since she’d been back; had successfully avoided almost everyone. But she went to see Kester as soon as possible.

Sitting there, in that low slung chair without arms, she was compelled to cross hers, just like she had that first session. The afternoon sun slanted in the windows behind Kester. She once again marveled at how different things were here to Tunisia. Fundamental things, like the light and the air. The ground under her feet felt different. Things that she had once thought must be constant, consistent, elemental; things which were supposed to be the same everywhere she discovered were not. 

She knew she couldn’t keep herself straight. She’d been changing like the tides since she was born. The brief calm she’d felt when she got to Sousse was replaced by a week of uncertain hope leaping against the inside of her ribcage. Then guilt and dread and numbness and now, the familiar apprehension of fall. Returning to school, to the place she felt the least able to be herself. 

Kester fixed her with a level gaze, watching her face go through a thousand subtle changes as her mind raced along.

When she didn’t speak after several minutes, he asked the question.

THE question.

“So, how was your summer?”

She didn’t shrug. “Um, it was … very interesting.”

“Oh, yes? What happened?”

And then, she found herself recounting almost everything. How she felt when she got there, meeting Finn, how they’d gotten close but he lived in Leeds, Karim’s father passing, and found herself saying out loud thoughts that had only ever been half-formed in her mind before: how the rest of the summer seemed flatter, somehow  _less than_  that first month had been.

“I mean, I’m not sure why.”

Kester blinked. “Aren’t you?”

“Well, it could have been Mr. Bouchtat … dying like that. I’ve never seen someone die before.”

“Is that what you really think?”

“Well, I mean … I dunno. Maybe.”

“Do you think,  _maybe_ , it could be that you were missing someone who made your experiences better? Someone you connected with?”

Rae furrowed her brow and bit her lip. “Pamela?” she asked as a half-hearted joke, knowing exactly who Kester wanted her to name.

Kester rolled his eyes as he shook his head. “Rae. Are you afraid to admit he meant something to you?”

Rae tightened the grip of her arms across her midsection as her only response.

“Rae. Rae, you told him to go. He wanted to see you again. Why do you think you did that?”

She relaxed the muscles in her neck just enough to drop her head forward. She stared at the rip in the knee of her jeans. 

Kester was silent for a long moment, and when she looked up, she found him giving her a questioning look. He wasn’t going to let her slide on this one. She shrugged.

“Rae.”

She sighed. “It wasn’t going to last. Beautiful girls can’t make long-distance work, so I sure as hell couldn’t. And, yeah, maybe . . and I know I probably—no, definitely, I DEFINITELY—fucked things up. But that’s what I’m best at, isn’t it.” She didn’t let herself glance up at Kester; she was sure she could feel the waves of disappointment.

“Rae, I don’t think you fucked anything up. You certainly could have expressed your feelings better, but it’s only been a month. You could still contact him. If you want to, that is.”

“Do you really think that would be a good idea? For me to set myself up like that? If—“ she cut herself off.

Kester was silent again, so she finally had to look up at him. His blue eyes were steady and trained on hers. “I do, Rae. I get that it’s scary, to put yourself out there. But we’ve talked in this office about how it’s so rare for you to feel connected to other people, how you can push people away. You never really let Chloe back in after being in hospital; not even after we had that breakthrough about your dad.”

She blinked rapidly and looked out the window, but found the light too bright for her suddenly sensitive eyes, so did an about face to stare at the crap art on the wall opposite the window. Kester had gotten new pictures for the walls after that first day. Just as crap, but at least they were new. Novel crap. 

What had he said back then? If people couldn’t accept her for who she was, they could fuck off. Had Finn accepted her for who she was? Was she even herself when he’d met her? Maybe she sensed he wouldn’t accept who she really was, and had preemptively fucked off for him. 

Kester cleared his throat to get her attention. “Think about it, Rae. I can tell you already are. But don’t … I don’t know if it’s possible, but try not to overthink it. Do you want to see him again? Is he someone you want in your life? Obviously, he has a say in this, too, but this might be simpler than you imagine.”

Rae scoffed, then sniffed back a tear she didn’t even realize was there.

When Kester gave her a stern look in reply, she sighed and nodded.  “Yeah, okay. I’ll think about it.”

* * * * *

The countdown to the last first day of school was getting shorter and shorter. Last year, she had worked herself up into a panic, set the alarm off, and saw Liam for the first, but not the last time. No way she could start this year worse. 

She’d been trying to figure out a way to convey to Kester a certain feeling she’d been having since Sousse. It was sadness, but of a specific sort. The worry that she would never experience something she wanted so much to feel. That feeling of being protected, of being tucked under someone’s arm and pulled close to their side. Of feeling sheltered and safe. She’d almost felt it in Tunisia, but … 

When you are big, which is the nice word for what you are, you don’t get to feel that. And the ironic thing is, that you might need to feel protected, even more than those girls who are so little and so pretty. So dainty they might break, but people sometimes handle those girls with kid gloves. They’ll never break the way you will, they way you do almost every day, with the world hurling their sharp words at you, roughly shoving you out of its way. ‘She has thick skin.’ ‘She gets this all the time.’ ‘Surely she must be used to it now.’ What was that other saying? ‘Water off a duck’s back.’ Water off a duck’s back. Random as duck’s shite.

As you get older, you start to realize there are lots of things you’ll never get to feel. Things you could imagine, but you’d never really know. But you also realize that that feeling, the one you so long for, the one that those who were small and contained and delicate get to experience, very probably goes unnoticed. It is taken for granted as part of what they are, and never properly appreciated. It is hard not to think of them as mythical creatures, or another species, and though you are sure they have their problems, too, it still stings. If you were them … no. If you were them, you wouldn’t be you and you wouldn’t know. You wouldn’t know that you should be happy to feel your feelings, or try to articulate what that safe and sheltered place was like, because if you were delicate it wouldn’t be a question. Of course you would be sheltered. Of course you would be safe.

But then you think of your tiny friend who slipped out of the world and you realize you can’t make these generalizations. Life wasn’t safe for that slip of a girl. Life didn’t keep her safe and sound. 

Some days, Rae felt like a rocky outcropping on the western edge of land, exposed to waves and wind and rain and sun, never getting a moment when she didn’t have to endure something. Even if it was enduring the kindness of someone fit and lovely, because she couldn’t imagine that she deserved it. And so, she must put on a brave face and pretend not to care when it was taken away. Even push that person away before he realized what she was really like. Pretend that she was prepared for the disappointments, big and small, that made up her existence. 

But it follows that we always assume that what other experience must be better, more genuine, more profound, than our own little lives. And it’s really hard to appreciate the good things around us, the good things  _inside_  us, because they are all tangled up with the bullshit and the things that we wish we could cut off like a callous and leave behind. 

And Rae was beginning to think that the biggest obstacle to her feeling what she wanted to feel was herself. Some of it was believing she didn’t deserve it, and some of it was assuming that given a choice, no one would choose her. She was getting better at recognizing these thoughts, but she wasn’t any better at stopping them. 

She’d allowed herself a walk down Argyll Rd, to look at the houses and wonder which one Finn grew up in. She saw a middle-aged bloke with shaggy hair mowing a strip of lawn with a push reel mower in front of one of the semi-detached houses. He gave her a wave as she walked by. She raised her forearm at the elbow, but kept the rest of her arm rigid at her side, then sped up and headed back into town.

* * * * *

Rae had given in and met up with Chloe and Izzy to go last-minute shopping for first day back outfits Saturday afternoon. 

“How was Tunisia?” Izzy asked, leaning into Rae as they made their way to the shops. 

“Yeah! You’ve been scarce since ya got back … we’re dyin’ to hear how it was! Were there loads of fit blokes?” Chloe waggled her eyebrows.

Rae blushed. She wasn’t sure she wanted to tell them. They’d just pry and paw over every detail of her memories until they didn’t feel special anymore. “Well, I wouldn’t say ‘loads’ exactly.”

Izzy nodded knowingly. “I know what that means.”

“Huh? What?” Rae’s head shot up.

“There was only one. One lad in particular … you didn’t have eyes for anyone else …”

Rae wondered how she could have given herself away with six words. She just shook her head ruefully. “No, no,” she started to deny, but couldn’t quite bring herself to outright lie. “Not exactly.” 

Chloe and Izzy exchanged a knowing glance, which made Rae paranoid. But they were now outside the shop and Rae just pushed her way inside, the bell tinkling above her head.

She wasn’t sure why she agreed to be dragged to a store full of clothes she could barely squeeze into. She ran her fingers along the racks, bumping over the hangers. She counted about four things in her size in the whole place. Resigning herself to being a sounding board for her friends, she flopped herself onto the bench outside the fitting room. Izzy came out in a floral dress, black with daisies, and did a little twirl. Rae nodded in approval.

“I don’t normally wear black, but the daisies cheer it up, don’t they?”

“Absolutely!” Rae confirmed.

“I hope Chop’ll like it.” Izzy smoothed the front of the dress over her hips and swiveled to look at her profile in the mirror.

Rae raised an eyebrow. “Chop?”

“Oh, I keep forgettin’ you weren’t here all summer! We met a couple of blokes at the pub. Chop works down at a garage, and Archie, he’s goin’ to Cambridge. He was the year above; had that thing with Lois for a couple weeks, remember? Funny to think of them two bein’ friends, but …”

Chloe made a dramatic sweep of the curtain to one side to reveal her standing there in a electric blue mini-dress. “I think this is the one, girls!”

“Oh, wow, Chlo, you look fantastic!” Izzy bounced on the balls of her feet, clapping her hands together.

“Thanks, Iz. Rae, what d’ya reckon?” There was a tone that Rae almost thought was nervousness, but that couldn’t be, Chloe was a social phenomenon. 

“Well, it makes a bold statement, that’s for sure.”

Chloe bit her lip and furrowed her brow.

“But that’s totally you, so it’s perfect.” Rae smiled.

Chloe slumped forward in relief. “Great,” she breathed. “I mean, cool.”

“You not tryin’ anythin’ on, Rae?” Izzy asked.

Rae glanced over her shoulder at the shop’s offerings. Her mouth twisted as she shook her head. “Nah, I’ll just wear summat I already have. Who’m I tryin’ to impress, yeah?”

Another glance passed between her two friends, which Rae couldn’t quite read. “We could go to the charity shop; we know you like things that are a little unusual.” Chloe smiled, so Rae knew she wasn’t taking the piss. 

Rae shrugged. “I think I’ll just head to the record shop. Rather spend twenty quid on back-to-school music.” 

Outside the shop, Chloe and Izzy both swung their shopping bags filled with new clothes, lingering to see if Rae wanted them to stick around. They both lived in the opposite direction from the record shop, so Rae held out an arm to hug the girls goodbye, Izzy first, then Chloe. “Hey, we’re meetin’ at the pub tonight, if ya fancy it. Sort of a last night out … y’know, until the next night out.” Chloe batted her eyelashes at Rae, hoping to persuade her along.

Rae rolled her eyes, but couldn’t keep the smile from her face. “I’ll  _think_  about it.” 

“Great! We’ll plan on seein’ ya there, then!” Izzy chirped.

Chloe linked her arm through Izzy’s elbow and the two of them weaved off in the direction of home. 

“I said maybe!” Rae shouted after them.

She shook her head as she started in the direction of the record store.

* * * * *

When Rae got home, she hefted her bag full of used CDs onto the kitchen counter and grabbed a mug from the cabinet, picking up the kettle to make sure there was water in it before flicking it on. As the water started to boil, she turned around to lean on the counter and spotted a shiny blue package on the kitchen table. There was a note underneath the Walnut Whip that simply read “Enjoy! xo” in her mum’s handwriting, which she was more than familiar with after the postcard incident of last year. 

She picked up the whip and stuck her head around the doorway to peer into the lounge. Her mum sat there, rocking Jasmine, as she watched  _Two Fat Ladies_. 

“Mum?”

Linda glanced over. “Oh, hiya, love! They’re making bubble and squeak. Haven’t had that in ages.” She patted Jasmine on the back absentmindedly. When Rae didn’t reply, she asked, “What’s up?”

Rae held out the Walnut Whip, a questioning look on her face. 

Linda smiled and said, “If anyone ever earned a Walnut Whip, you did this summer.”

“But I did have a better time than I thought I would,” Rae conceded.

“Even so.” Linda looked warmly at her eldest daughter, and Rae felt her face flush a bit. She looked down at the confection and bit her lip. 

“D’ya want the walnut?” Rae asked.

Linda laughed out loud and Jasmine stirred, fussing a bit. “There, there, my love. Didn’t mean to startle you.” To Rae, she said, “Throw caution to the wind! Chuck in it the bin!”

Rae laughed. “I’ll save it for later, then.” She paused on the threshold. “Is it alright if I go to the pub tonight?”

Linda gave Rae another affectionate look, and said, “Sure, long as you’re back before midnight. No loitering in the beer garden till all hours.”

Rae nodded her thanks and went to fix her tea.

* * * * *

On her walk over to the pub, Rae nearly turned back three times. She hadn’t missed the anxiety she felt walking through the pub door, wondering what she would be met with. Would Simmy and his mates be there? Stacey? Liam had been barred, thankfully, after getting into a fight with one of the barmen on New Year’s Eve. 

She took a moment to breathe deeply before going in, and let her eyes adjust to the dimness of the dark room, scanning for Chloe and Izzy. 

“Rae! Rae! Over here!” She heard Izzy’s voice and adjusted her bag over her shoulder as she followed the sound. Chloe stood up to kiss her on the cheek. 

“So this is the famous Rae!” exclaimed a good natured looking bloke with bright blue eyes. 

“Rae, this is Chop,” Izzy blushed prettily as Chop took his arm from around her waist and held it out to shake Rae’s hand. 

“Hiya,” Rae murmured. “Wouldn’t say I’m famous, though.”

“Legendary, more like!” Chloe laughed, as Rae sat down next to her, shoving her with her shoulder. 

“And this is Archie, who you might remember.” 

Rae glanced over at the lad with glasses. “Yeah, yeah. I think I do.” He flashed a grin at her.

“This bastard’s about to abandon us for Oxbridge!” Chop shouted, throwing an handful of crisps in Archie’s direction.

“Well, I’m no good with cars and have no appreciable skills, mate. Just an insatiable thirst for knowledge and historic buildings, so it’s a scholar’s life for me, I’m afraid.”

Rae smirked, not sure if she should laugh. 

“Aren’t you goin’ to offer Rae a drink?” Izzy elbowed Chop in the ribs. 

“Well, I was thinkin’ himself might be here any minute and I could save meself a trip.” Chop craned his neck to look at the pub door.

“Are we expecting someone else?” Rae asked, confused.

A grin broke across Chop’s face, his gap on prominent display. “Speak of the devil, here’s the lad himself.”

Rae had just dropped her backpack on the floor at her feet and didn’t look up until she felt someone slide onto the bench beside her. 

“Rae, this is Finn. Finn, Rae.”

In an instant, time seemed to slow, the ambient noise of the pub fading as Rae’s heart sped up, her breath now shallow. As she pulled her hands from under the table, she placed her palms flat against the lacquered surface. She forced herself to focus on a minute detail, which happened to be a hangnail on her right pinky. 

In her left ear, she heard a familiar voice intone three syllables. “Hi, again.” Suddenly hyper-aware, she felt a few molecules of his breath tickle her cheek. 

Rae turned her head to see Finn staring at her with a faint smile. He didn’t seem disappointed to see her; he seemed almost … apprehensive? 

“Uh, hey!” she finally mustered. “This is … I mean, fancy seeing you here!”

Chloe’s eyes flicked between Rae and Finn, a mixture of curiosity and hurt. “You two know each other?” she asked.

Izzy giggled. “You mean you didn’t work it out yet?” 

Rae’s eyes raced from Chloe’s face to Izzy’s, trying to put these pieces together. 

“Rae is Finn’s summer romance, and Finn is Rae’s. He went to Tunisia; Rae was in Tunisia; Finn said she was English … it all makes sense!”

Finn narrowed his eyes at Chop. 

Chop held his hands up innocently. “I didn’t tell ‘er, I swear!” 

Rae was penned in by Chloe on one side and Finn on the other. “I—excuse me, I’ll be right back. I just need … I’ll be right back.” Rae twisted in her seat, swinging her leg over the bench on Chloe’s side, which caused her to bump Finn with her back. “Sorry! Sorry. I’ll just …” She rushed to the pub door, first pulled when she should have pushed, and then she was outside, breathing hard. 

_Shit!_  she thought.  _Shit shit shit!_  

She stumbled around the corner of the building, and leaned her back against the rough brick, breathing deep through her nose. Then, she whispered a count: “One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, te—“ 

Her voice was silenced by a pair of lips on hers. Her eyes flew open and she saw the bridge of Finn’s nose, scattered with freckles, and his overgenerous eyebrows knitted together in concentration. She pulled back and Finn sighed, opening his eyes to look at her. 

“What was that for?” she whispered.

Finn shrugged. “I told you you could count on a kiss if you counted when I was around.”

Rae blinked. He was still close in, though he didn’t meet her eye. 

“About that …” she said.

Finn grimaced and pulled back. “Yeah?”

“Why  _are_  you around? I mean, here?”

Finn twisted to lean his back against the bricks next to her. He sighed, “Well …” Before continuing, he cleared his throat and flicked his eyes over to her face. When he looked away again, he said, “I’m scaffolded out. To be honest, I was done two weeks after I started, but didn’t want to admit it. I’d promised my uncle a year, and I gave him ten months. I never need to do it again. No, that’s a lie.” Rae gave him a quizzical look. “I never WANT to do it again. Told my dad a week after I got back from Sousse, and asked what he thought I should do. He said, why don’t I come home and go back to college for my second year, before applying to uni.” 

Rae nodded. “Makes sense.”

“I had to think about it for a bit,” Finn said, almost too quickly.

“Of course. It’s a big decision,” Rae replied, glumness creeping into her voice.

“Well, yeah, but … I got excited about seeing you again, but then I thought, what if she doesn’t want … I mean, what if YOU don’t want to see me? Like, I don’t want to make you uncomfortable.” He looked down at his hands, which were wringing each other nervously. “And I’m sorry if the kiss made you uncomfortable, too.”

Rae’s heart dipped, or skipped, or restarted. Something was definitely happening in her chest. “Oh, Finn … I … it’s just that I never thought I’d actually see you again. I didn’t want to get my hopes up. I just figured you’d go home to Leeds and meet someone else and I’d just be this memory, if you even bothered to remember me.”

“Self-preservation,” Finn said, matter-of-factly.

“Huh?” Rae asked, startled by Finn’s use of a word she’d only heard from Kester in their sessions.

“That’s what my therapist calls doing stuff like that. Pushing people away, not letting people in.”

“Your … therapist?” Rae echoed.

“Yeah, after spending that time with my mum … I was really confused and messed up. I remember you sayin’ you saw a therapist, and I thought I’d try it. I’ve only gone a few times, but it really helps to have someone to talk to, someone who has to listen, y’know?”

Rae nodded incredulously. “I do, but …”

“But what?”

“I don’t … how should … what do we do?” Rae could barely pick from the swirl of questions in her brain. 

“I dunno,” Finn said with a shrug. “Maybe … pick up where we left off? See if we work in Stamford?” His fingers crawled across the brick to find her hand, and clasped it. “I mean, I know I’d like to spend some more time with you, but …”

“But?” Rae asked, worried.

“Just, I won’t if ya don’t want me to.” He started to let go of her hand, when she threaded her fingers through his. 

“No, I do, I do!” She turned to look at him. “You just surprised me, is all.” She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. “I didn’t think this was a … likely outcome.”

When she opened her eyes, Finn was leaning in to kiss her again. This time, she was ready for it, and kissed him back, trying to put all the hope she felt into it. 

Neither of them seemed in any hurry to stop kissing, Rae opened her mouth just a bit and Finn inched his tongue in slowly. Rae clutched at the front of his shirt as his arms snaked around her back. The world fell away, but in a good way this time. 

“Oi, you two! We got you each a snakebite, since you were too busy snoggin’ to order. You plannin’ on comin’ back inside anytime soon?” Chop shouted from the pub door.

They smiled against each other’s lips, Finn pulling back a fraction to whisper. “Fuckin’ Chop.” Then he leant back a bit more to shout. “We’ll be there in a minute, mate!”

They both chuckled at Chop’s impatience. Rae thought Finn would let go of her, but he squeezed her tighter in his embrace, his lips resting against the side of her neck. She relaxed a bit inside that hug, feeling another bit of that sense of being protected. Of being safe. If only for a second, it was nice.

But, Rae being Rae, she had to know. “You never answered my question, though.”

Finn lifted his head, but didn’t let go. “What question?” he murmured in her ear.

“You know … what do we do?” Rae took a breath. “Like, are we … ?” She couldn’t even say the words.

Finn finally loosened his grip enough to look her in the eye. “Do you want to … ?” he asked, possibly also afraid to state anything aloud. 

She took a deep breath. “I don’t even know if the person I was with you is who I am—you—I’m worried I’ll disappoint you.” Another deep lungful. “I didn’t mean to trick you, though. I—that’s just who I was then and there—“

“—and with me?” Finn’s eyebrows inched under his fringe, eyes full of hope. “Rae. I liked you then and I like you now and …”

“And?” Her breath hitched. Recently, the relatively simple act of breathing had become curiously difficult.

“And I like who I was when we were around each other … when we were together.”

Rae closed her eyes. “I know I was … mean, that night on the beach. But that was more for me than … I just … like I said, I just assumed you’d move on. Get over me, find someone new, someone better, and …” she faltered.

Finn brought a hand up to touch her cheek. “Rae …” he breathed. “It would take me a looong time to get over you. In fact … I don’t think I ever will. I mean, I don’t want to.”

Tears sprang to her eyes, and Rae blinked them back as her lower teeth worried her upper lip nervously. “Do you … are you sure?”

Finn slipped his fingers along her cheek, under her chin, and pulled her in for a dizzying kiss. When they broke apart, he whispered, “Does that answer your question?”

Rae nodded, but couldn’t help being honest when she said, “Yeah. At least, it does for now.”

Finn grinned cheekily at her, finally letting go, only to grab her hand, tugging on it to beckon her to follow him into the pub. “C’mon. The gang’s waitin’.”


End file.
